Hilfe, letter of motivation - verbesserungen?

Hallo

für meine Unibewerbung brauche ich ein MOtivationsschreiben mit folgenden Punkten:

What are the characteristics needed to be a good manager/expert in your chosen field?

Why are you interested in a career in your chosen field?

Explain how you have researched your choice of study and prepared yourself for studying in the Netherlands.

Why should Stenden Hogeschool accept you as a student in your chosen management programme?

Könnt ihr mal gucken ob die Punkte alle ausreichend behandelt, bzw beantwortet wurden.
Und mal bitte das Englisch checken.

Letter of Motivation: Tourism Management

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hereby I would like to express my motivation for studying Tourism Management at Stenden Hogeschool.

After graduating from school in March 2008, I went to London, England as an Au Pair for nine months. This international experience helped me to strengthen my English skills, as I visited a language school and passed the IELTS – exam. Additionally it encouraged me to live and study abroad.

As it is my future goal to work in the multilateral and always expanding tourism industry I would like to start my international career as a German student in Holland.
The job as a tourism manager has fascinated me for a few years.
To put my expectancy into practice I am doing an internship in the local event agency XX GmbH.
I am also gaining some experience in a hotel afterwards to get a wider view of the whole industry.

As different as the Tourism industry is, the characteristics of a Tourism manager should be as well.
In my opinion a manager should not only have the typical characteristic such as authority or leadership. I rather think that they should be able to work in a team and are more than happy to help people. Besides a good understanding of the industry and what is happening around someone a Tourism manger should also be flexible and spontaneous, willing to expand their own horizons and open minded. The most important character trait is that a manager in this industry should love his job.

Due to my willingness and my interest for your study program I am sure I can accept and accomplish the challenge of studying at your university.

Thank you very much for considering my application. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully,

Kim

Danke!!!

Hallo,:

von mir hauptsächlich das Englische, nicht der Inhalt:

Letter of Motivation: Tourism Management

Dear Sir or Madam,

Hereby I would like to express my motivation for studying
Tourism Management at Stenden Hogeschool.

Ich weiß, dass es die Regel gibt, dass man einen Brief nicht mit „I“ anfangen soll, aber mit „hereby“ anfangen klingt auch nicht gut.
express – ausdrücken, du meinst aber eher darlegen „present, state, argue“ oder noch was anderes wäre besser
Ich würde ganz anders anfangen, mit einem Zitat oder einer Behauptung.
Da muss dir aber selbst was einfallen. Irgendein Knaller, der die Aufmerksamkeit auf sich zieht.

After graduating from school in March 2008, I went to London,
England as an Au Pair for nine months.

Welche Schule? Wenn Gymnasium, würde ich „high school“ schreiben, auch wenn das keine 1:1 Übersetzung ist.
au-pair
… ich würde noch dranhängen: in order to improve my English/oder was auch immer (sagst du später, klar, mir gehts um den )

This international experience helped me to strengthen my
English skills,

Thanks to this experience my English improved considerably and I was able to pass the IELTS-exam (mit welchen Noten?).

Additionally it encouraged me to live and study abroad.

Additionally, it encouraged me to live and study abroad.

As it is my future goal

As it is my intention

to work in the multilateral and always
expanding tourism industry I would like to start my
international career as a German student in Holland.

Was meinst du mit „multilateral“? Vielleicht many faceted / multifaceted?

The job as a tourism manager has fascinated me for a few
years.
To put my expectancy into practice I am doing an internship in
the local event agency XX GmbH.

I am currently working as an intern with the local event agency XX GmbH, in order to put verify my expectations.

I am also gaining some experience in a hotel afterwards to get
a wider view of the whole industry.

I am also planning to gain experience in a hotel after the internship to acquire a more comprehensive view of the whole industry.

As different as the Tourism industry is, the characteristics
of a Tourism manager should be as well.

tourism bitte kleinschreiben
As diverse (oder das multifaceted von oben) as …
A manager in the field of tourism should know many different field of the industry as possible.

In my opinion a manager should not only have the typical
characteristic

characteristics
such as authority or leadership.
authority and leadership.

I rather think
that they should be able to work in a team and are more than
happy to help people.

Erst schreibst du Singular, dann Plural.
to help people ? to serve people usw.

Besides a good understanding of the
industry and what is happening around someone

?? was meinst du mit „happening around someone“?

a Tourism manger

tourism manager – gibts den Ausdruck so? Wenn ja, schreib ihn richtig. Besser wäre aber eine Umschreibung.

should also be flexible and spontaneous, willing to expand
their own horizons and open minded.

entweder Singular oder Plural

The most important
character trait is that a manager in this industry should love
his job.

or her job? Da du selbst weiblich bist, wäre ich da extra vorsichtig bei der Formulierung.
Und das ist ein solcher Allgemeinplatz, das triff auf jeden Beruf zu.

Due to my willingness and my interest for your study program I
am sure I can accept and accomplish the challenge of studying
at your university.

interest in

Thank you very much for considering my application. I am
looking forward to hearing from you.

Ich würde das nochmal überarbeiten. Und etwas schreiben, das nicht nur von einem Allgemeinplatz zum anderen hüpft, mit richtigen Aussagen und auch ein bisschen ausführlicher.

Gruß
Elke

Hallo,

Grossbuchstaben werden als SCHREIEN verstanden und sind daher nicht so sehr gerne gesehen.

Gruß
von Julius