Fremdsprachen
Von: mроng, 27.11.2007 23:03 Uhr
Hi Leute,

ich hab noch nicht so viel Ahnung mit Motivationsschreiben und das hier sind jetzt mal meine Anfänge. Ich will an eine Uni nach China in Shanghai.

Wär super, wenn jemand von euch, der ein bißchen Erfahrung mit solchen Schreiben hat, mal schnell darüberschauen könnte und mir sagen, was hinsichtlich Sprache und Struktur verbessert werden könnte.

Also hier der Text:


Dear ladies and gentlemen,

I have been studying Business Administration (*****) with the subsidiary subject informatics at the ***** in Germany since three semesters.
By writing this letter, I would like to apply for an university place at the ***** in Shanghai for the first semester of the year 2008.
These days it is very important for getting your own experiences and of course for most of the companies all over the world that a student has spent a semester abroad.
Therefore I am taking part at the ***** exchange program.

I think it is worth to know that I have already started with my graduate studies in contrast to the majority of my fellows.
Due to an internship at ***** and within the framework of my basic military service I have gained some business experience yet.
Moreover I did some different part-time jobs.

It would be a pleasure for me to represent the ***** and Germany to the employees and the students of the *****. Thus I hope to render a small contribution to the understanding and the common research between the ***** and the *****.

On the one hand it is out of question that China will become the world’s largest economy in the 21st century and soon displace Germany as the world’s largest exporter. It is a great chance for me and my later career to live and study in Shanghai as it takes in the leading position of China’s economic growth what can be for example seen at its skyscrapers and modern lifestyle. Another example is the first commercial Maglev railway in the world. It would be a grandiose experience for me to visit this German product as my fellow countrymen did not yet manage to install it here in Germany.

On the other hand it is fantastic that I can live to see a culture which is home to one of the world's oldest and most complex civilizations covering a history of over 5,000 years in the same country. As The Great Wall of China or Shanghai's Yu Yuan Garden still testify from this civilization and they are well-known by nearly each human in the world it is a particular pleasure for me to visit them. In contrast to the enormous modern city Shanghai I’m looking forward to visit some of Shanghai’s picturesque rural suburban areas.
Finally I’m proud to be a witness of certainly fantastic Olympic Games 2008 in Beijing.

At ***** I will have the chance to study at one of the most prestigious and renowned universities of China. Furthermore I have read that the ***** emphasizes practise orientation and teamwork by rating individual projects, group projects and participation. Considering the requirements a company has to an applicant today this is an excellent form of education to be well prepared for the later career.

My interests are especially the finance and capital markets of the world and as a consequence I have chosen “Financial Management and Capital Markets” as my major subject at the *****.
I am glad about you offering the courses “Accounting and Finance” and “Money and Banking” which I would like to attend. Getting to know the Chinese way of thinking I am very interested in various lectures on Chinese Economy, Society and Culture.
I am going to participate in a Chinese language course at the ***** after I will have learnt the very basic skills at the *****.
By nearly all the campus life, for example the lectures, the teamwork and social life occurring in English, this stay in Shanghai will definitely improve my English as well.

To become acquainted with the Chinese everyday work in companies I am going to do an internship from January 2009 until April 2009 in Shanghai.
All in all I think that there is no doubt that a semester abroad in Shanghai will broaden my horizon while enhancing my career profile.

I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours faithfully



Vielen Dank für die Mühe

mpong



  1. Antwort von Ѕіân (abgemeldet) 1
    Re: Motivationsschreiben
    Hi

    ich habe es mal etwas "angepasst"

    Liebe Grüße

    Du hast Mail

    Siân
    3 Kommentare
    • mail vs. posting
      mach's doch ins forum .. wieso per mail?
      Wollte mich auch jetzt dranmachen.

      Isses überhaupt noch aktuell oder der Brief schon abgeschickt?
    • von Ѕіân (abgemeldet) 2
      Re: posting ;-)
      Hi

      ich hatte es gemailt, aber schau ruhig nochmal drüber, vielleicht findest Du noch Fehler oder hast Verbesserungsvorschläge.

      Gruß
      Siân
      ---------------------
      Dear Sirs

      I have been studying Business Administration (*****) with the additional subject Computer Science at the ***** in Germany FOR nicht SINCE (!!) three semesters.

      I would like to apply for a university place at the ***** in Shanghai for the first semester in 2008.

      Nowadays it is very important to obtain one's own experiences abroad and it is certainly vital for most global companies that a student has spent at least one semester in another country.
      Therefore I am taking part in the ***** exchange program.

      I think it is important that I have already started with my graduate studies, in contrast to the majority of my fellow students.
      Due to an internship at ***** and within the framework of my compulsory military service I have gained some business experience. Moreover I also have had a variety of part-time jobs.

      It would be a pleasure for me to represent the ***** and Germany to the employees and the students of the *****. Thus I hope to render a small contribution to the understanding and the common research between the ***** and the *****.

      On the one hand it is clear that China will become the world's largest economy in the 21st century and soon replace Germany as the world's largest exporter. It would be a great chance for me and for my later career to live and study in Shanghai, as it is taking the leading position of China’s economic growth which is an imposing example regarding its futuristic and impressive skyscrapers and its modern lifestyle.

      Another example is the first commercial Maglev railway in the world. It would be a superb experience for me to visit this German product, as my fellow countrymen have not installed it in Germany yet.

      (werden sie wohl auch kaum da weder Geld noch Bedarf vorhanden ist…)

      On the other hand it would be fantastic that if I were able to live and experience a culture, which is home to one of the world's oldest and most complex civilizations, covering a history of over 5,000 years. As The Great Wall of China or Shanghai's Yu Yuan Garden still testify this civilization and they are well-known historical monuments for each human in the world hence it would be a particular pleasure for me to visit them.

      In contrast to the enormous modern city Shanghai I am also looking forward to visit some of Shanghai's picturesque rural suburban areas.

      Finally I would be very proud to be a spectator and guest of the fantastic monumental Olympic Games 2008 in Beijing.

      At ?? oder meinst Du in ?? “In July” Oder “on the 3rd of XX?” ***** I will have the chance to study at one of the most prestigious and renowned universities of China. Furthermore I have read that the ***** emphasizes practise orientation and teamwork by rating individual projects, group projects and participation. Considering the requirements a company demands from an applicant today, this is an excellent form of education in order to be well prepared for my future career.

      My interests are especially the financial and capital markets of the world and as a consequence I have chosen “Financial Management and Capital Markets” as my major subject at the *****.
      I am glad that you offer the courses “Accounting and Finance” and “Money and Banking” which I would really like to attend. In order to learn more about the Chinese way of thinking I am very interested in various lectures on Chinese Economy, Society and Culture.
      I am going to participate in a Chinese language course at the ***** then I will have learnt the very basic skills at the *****.


      As all the campus life, the lectures, the teamwork and social life for example are all in English, this stay in Shanghai would definitely also improve my English a lot as well.

      To become acquainted with the Chinese everyday work in companies I am going to do an internship from January 2009 until April 2009 in Shanghai.

      All in all I really hope that there is no doubt that a semester abroad in Shanghai will broaden my horizon very much while simultaneously enhancing my future career profile.

      I am looking forward to hearing from you.

      Thank you very much in advance.

      Yours faithfully

      x y
    • von mроng 3
      Re^2: posting ;-)
      HI,

      vielen Dank für eure Mühe! Die Sache ist schon noch aktuell!!!

      Mfg
  2. Antwort von RоΝеunzіg 1
    Re: Motivationsschreiben
    hört sich sehr deutsch an. Na, ich versuch's 'mal.
    (Und ohneirgendwas nachzuschlagen, nur mein 'Sprachgefühl' .. Artikel is' eh schon lang genug)
    (Und hab' teils in die Zitate 'reingeschrieben - erscheint ebenso kursiv) I have been studying Business Administration (*****) with the
    subsidiary subject informatics at the ***** in Germany since
    three semesters.
    ''since three semesters ago'' oder ''for three semesters''
    (seit + Zeitpunkt /Ereignis in der Vergengenheit = since;
    seit + Dauer = for) By writing this letter, I would like to apply for an
    university place at the ***** in Shanghai for the first
    semester of the year 2008.
    Einen Universitäts-Platz? .. besser ''studiying opportunity = (sinngem. 'Studiengelegenheit'') These days it is very important for getting your own
    experiences and of course for most of the companies all over
    the world that a student has spent a semester abroad.
    These days, having studied abroad is very [usw.]
    (Sowieso ein Student - muß man nich' extra nennen. Und erst die Auswirkung (experiences, companies), dann erst 'von was' (studies abroad), liest sich doch umständlich .. man soll seine Leser nich' unnötig strapazieren.)
    ((by the way - @alle: sacht man wirklich semester für semester, und nich' half-year oder sowas? .. in Belgien / Frankreich sind - glaub' - ''Trimester'' üblich, ''semester also weniger geläufig? )) Therefore I am taking part at the ***** exchange program.
    Meine mich zu erinnern ''take part in sth'', bin aber nich' sicher.
    I think it is worth to know that I have already started with
    my graduate studies in contrast to the majority of my fellows.
    Geht auch: ''other than'', statt '''contrast to'' (überkandidelt).
    Und (!?) die fellows weglassen. Angeber! .. aber das' nur meine persönliche Meinung. ((Es zu sagen reicht doch völlig. Ob's die Anderen auch gemacht haben, sollen doch die Chinesen beurteilen.)) Due to an internship at ***** and within the framework of my
    basic military service I have gained some business experience
    yet.
    (Vokabel: ''internship'' - sorry, bin ich überfragt. Erst recht ''internship at my military service. Heißt es nich' ''in my military service''? Weiß' es einfach nich')
    Ginge nicht ''during'', statt ''within the framework of'' (meinem Sprachgefühl nach schlicht falsch. ((=deutsch für ''im Rahmen meiner [usw.]'')) Moreover I did some different part-time jobs.
    ''Furthermore'' (Kann's nich' begründen - ''Moreover'' erscheint mir falsch gebraucht. Kann mich aber auch böse irren. @alle: Bitte aufklären!)
    It would be a pleasure for me to represent the ***** and
    Germany to the employees and the students of the *****.
    Hast Du wohl ''present'', statt represent gemeint? Und was präsentieren, eigentlich?
    Du wirst wohl nich' den deutschen Präsidenten oder den Direktor der Uni (=''repräsentieren'') in China machen wollen!? .. sondern ''an deutsch-chinesischer Kommunikation teilhaben'' wollen. Also zB ''introduce german /way of studing?' oder doch Deine Uni ''repräsentieren''? Den Satz würd' ich ganz weglassen. Glaub' nich', daß die Chinesen nur auf Deine ''Präsentation'' gewartethaben. Oder Wolltest Du Doch Deine Uni ''repräsentieren''?
    Ganz komisch. Thus I
    hope to render a small contribution to the understanding and
    the common research between the ***** and the *****.
    Na, das ***** hört sich doch wieder ****** respektabel an. ;o]] On the one hand it is out of question that China will become
    the world’s largest economy in the 21st century and soon
    displace Germany as the world’s largest exporter.
    *Schmeichel* .. *Gollum* .. naja .. vielleicht läuft sowas 'rein, in China. It is a
    great chance for me and my later career to live and study in
    Shanghai as it takes in the leading position of China’s
    economic growth what can be for example seen at its
    skyscrapers and modern lifestyle.
    Mannomann. Also .. langsam: Warum nicht einfach ''Shanghai, that /which? takes leading role'' (statt ''as it'' bzw, wenn schon, dann mit Komma: ''Shanghai, as it [usw.]'', (((sonst ''it''=''your career''? /''the chance''?))) .. ok, der Kontext gibt es letztlich her, was gemeint is', aber man muß doch stocken und zweimal drüberlesen.)
    Also zB:
    It is /I consider it a great chance for me and my later career to live and study in Shanghai, which has the leading role in China's economic growth, obvious (not only) from its overwhelming architecture and modern lifestyle.
    Du willst ja schließlich nicht ein Auslandssemester in Shanghai asbolvieren weil es da Wolkenkratzer gibt. Und Shanghai Beduetung für Gesamt-Chinas Wachstum liegt ja wohl nich' vor allem in seinen Wolkenkratzern begründetoder. (((((((Meine Fresse.))))))) *bsssssss* Another example is the first
    commercial Maglev railway in the world. It would be a
    grandiose
    (naja, ''exorbiting, exceptional'', aber egal.) [..] experience for me to visit this German product as my
    fellow countrymen did not yet manage to install it here in
    Germany.
    ''as''= weil, .. Du meinst aber ''während'' bzw ''wohingegen'', also ''while'' bzw ''whereas''.
    Und ein ''railway'' wird üblicherweise nicht ''installiert'', sondern ''gebaut'' oder'' oder (in diesem Maßstab) ''verwirklicht'', also to ''realize'' or ''build'' it [usw].
    On the other hand it is fantastic that I can live to see a
    culture which is home to one of the world's oldest and most
    complex civilizations covering a history of over 5,000 years
    in the same country. As The Great Wall of China or Shanghai's
    Yu Yuan Garden still testify from this civilization and they
    are well-known by nearly each human in the world [Komma! - gibt's in Englisch keine eindeutigen Regeln für .. einfach Sprechpausengefühl. Hier: Nebensatz mit ''As'' endet, Hauptsatz beginnt (liest sich flüssiger) ] it is a
    particular pleasure for me to visit them. In contrast to the
    enormous [and] modern city Shanghai I’m looking forward to visit
    some of Shanghai’s picturesque rural suburban areas.
    Finally I’m proud to be a witness of certainly fantastic
    Olympic Games 2008 in Beijing.
    Diesmal ein toller Absatz! At ***** [wohl ''university of Shanghai'', egal.], I will
    have the chance to study at one of the most
    prestigious and renowned universities of China. Furthermore
    [Du kannst es doch!] I have read that the ***** emphasizes practise [practice?] orientation and
    teamwork by rating individual projects, group projects and
    participation. Considering the requirements a company has to [towards?]
    an applicant today [Komma] this is an excellent form of education to [deutsch ''um zu'' ist nicht = ''to''! .. sondern (leider umständlich, aber unumgänglich auf (engl.:) ''in order to'', sonst hört es sich (''to'') an, wie ''hinzu'' oder ''auf etwas zu'' (@alle correct, if I'm wrong) .. oder einfach nur [Komma], ''to be well prepared'' ? .. sorry, aber dieses 'Denglish' macht mich ganz kirre.]
    be well prepared for the later career.

    My interests are especially the finance
    [financial! .. sonst ''finance of the world'' (??), gemeint is aber ''financial markets of the world''] and capital markets of
    the world and as a consequence I have chosen “Financial
    Management and Capital Markets” as my major subject at the
    ***** [jaja ''dingens-university of Shanghai''].
    I am glad about you offering the courses
    *Boachhhhh!* Also erstmal würd' ich sagen ''units'', statt ''courses''. Keine Ahnung, warum (''courses'' hört sich für mich mehr nach Pferderennen oder sowas an). Dann, ''I am glad you offer the units [..]'' .. (Kanns nich' genau sagen, aber ''glad about the roses you gave me for present'' oder ''glad about that 'my' horse won the race'', aber ''glad about you offering'' hört sich ganz quer an .. ''glad about'' + gerunfium? ..theoretisch, vielleicht, ja. Aberes geht doch einfacher:)
    ''glad, you offer the units [..]'' “Accounting and
    Finance” and “Money and Banking” which I would like to attend.
    Getting to know the Chinese way of thinking I am very
    interested in various lectures on Chinese Economy, Society and
    Culture.
    I am going to participate in a Chinese language course at the
    ***** after I will have learnt [''having learnt'' .. Futur is' schon (nachwirkend) in ''am going to'' drin (und muß nich' doppelt gemoppelt werden]
    the very basic skills at the *****.
    ((JAJA *Sternchen* .. schon klar. Die nerven, die Sternchen, überall, aber, naja.)) By nearly all the campus life,
    campus of life?? .. etwa ''aspects fo life as a student''? Oder etwa doch den Kampus der Universität (mit seinen Vorlesungen (lectures)????))
    . Komm' jetzt grad' wieder nur schwer mit ..
    ? for example the lectures, the
    teamwork and social life occurring in English, this stay in
    Shanghai will definitely improve my English as well.
    Du meinst wohl, daß Dein Englisch sich /auf dem Kapmus? /durch teamwork und dem Uni-Leben, sich verbessern wird.
    (deutsch: ''bei'' (engl: ''near'') ist nicht = ''by'' (dt:''durch''); (dt: ''indem'' = (engl: ''by + Infinitif'' )
    Also zB
    ''By living campus life in all its aspects e.g. teamwork, social life and, of course, lectures - all in english language -, my own english will definitely improve aswell.'' (??) To become acquainted with the Chinese everyday work in
    companies I am going to do an internship from January 2009
    until April 2009 in Shanghai.
    Ah! .. ok! .. In welcher Firma? All in all I think that there is no doubt that a semester
    abroad in Shanghai will broaden my horizon [schön! .. fast poetisch!] while
    enhancing my career profile. [the profile of my career (((((((Ein Donaudampfschifffahrtsgesellschaftskapitän ist auf Englisch kein danube steam boat travel enterprise cap'tain, sondern ein cap'tain of a danube steamboat enterprise und Dein Karriere Profil ist ein profile of your career. Grammatikalisch genau erklären kann ich es allerdings nich'.]
    (Du hast viele überaus passende Wörter (renowned, practice, attend, enhance (sehr schön!) ) oder Redewendungen, den Zeitengebrauch (have read) richtig benutzt oder eingeschätzt, aber andererseits grobe, einfache Fehleinschätzungen in Deinem Text. Das deutet darauf hin, daß Du Dir große Mühe bei der Übertragung Deines deutschen Textes ins (schon ziemlich gute Schul~) Englisch(e) gemacht hast, aber gegen Fehleinschätzungen nur wenig gewappnet bist. Nur wenig mehr Übung, schon in englischen Foren oder chat zB, würde Dein angewandtes Englisch schon bald wesentlich verbessern, hab' ich den Eindruck. Das nur nebenbei.)

    Vielleicht kann jemand meine Vorarbeit bzw meine Korrekturen jemand nochmal korrigieren? .. zB ein Experte ;O] ?

    Oder is' der Brief eh' schon abgeschickt :o| ?
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