… Verbesserungsvorschläge?
Hallo,
ich habe eine englische Geschichte in Form eines
Tagebucheintrages geschrieben (es ist eine Anlehnung an den
Roman „Dracula“ von Bram Stoker aus der Sicht von Jonathan
Harker). Hat jemand Verbesserungsvorschläge?
Meine Korrekturen sind GROSS geschrieben. Fehler (= Original) in Klammern dahinter. Verbesserungsvorschläge sind nach dem Original in Klammern Gross (und mit Fragezeichen) geschrieben. Die Grossbuchstaben sehen ein wenig heftig aus, aber es geht schneller als mit Farbe arbeiten und ist leicht sichtbar.
"Sunset. – When Quincey turned around, we saw that he WAS PRESSING (pressed)
his hand on his chest. Blood WAS RUNNING (SEEPING?) (ran) through his fingers, so that we all were worried. “Mr. Harker, you cut his throat while I
stab him with my Bowie knife.” We wanted to do as he said:
While I WAS CUTTING (cut)/ WHEN I CUT the Count’s throat, Quincey tried to stab him. But
suddenly, Dracula got up from his BOX (COFFIN?) and took Quincey’s
knife (AWAY FROM HIM?). We WERE ALL (all were) scared. None of us knew what to do. The
vampire came towards us with a gruesome expression upon his
face – and then he stabbed all of us (ALLE GLEICHZEITIG?). All except FOR (from)
Quincey; he had already been stabbed by the gipsies that
protected Dracula. I felt a stabbing (DRITTE MAL STAB IN 3 ZEILEN) pain in my chest, and
when I fell down to the ground, I saw Qunincey lying next to
me. Dead. That was the last thing I should (COULD/WOULD? SHOULD = SOLLTE) see before darkness :came over me.I must have LAIN (laid) there for at least thirty minutes, for the
sun had already set when I awoke (ES IST ALSO JETZT ERST DUNKEL. HATTE DRACULA KEINE PROBLEME MIT DEM SONNENLICHT?). I was scared. My hand was
lying on my chest, but I could not feel my heartbeat. “Mein
Gott! Now we’re un-dead. Nosferatu. Vampyr. Our blood is
infected with the virus. Goodness (A VERY MILD EXPRESSION FOR A VAMPIRE HUNTER, DON’T YOU THINK?), we HAVE BECOME (became) unholy creatures
of (OHNE: the) Hell! Servants of Lucifer himself!” van Helsing cried
desperately. He was as shocked as all of us. I do not know
where, when and how, but we must have tasted from (HAD SOME OF) the Count’s
blood or from (((the one of))) one of the other vampires. Dracula,
his coach (CARRIAGE?) and all of his gipsies had disappeared. I am not
sure, but I guess that they went on to Borgo Pass, directly to
his castle. Because we did not know, we could not go on/(CONTINUE?)
hunting him.“What shall we do now?” Mina asked Professor van Helsing. “You
know a lot about vampires, don’t you? Can you teach us?” - “It
seems like I have to”, he replied with a sad voice. “Is this
my reward for saving the world from terrible diseases – and
vampires?”While I’M WRITING (write) this, I can feel my veins burning and my canine
teeth growing. This feeling is unknown to me, but I think it
is bloodlust. What a terrible feeling! Now I understand why
Dracula bit all the people. Everything I hear is louder,
everything I smell is more intensive and everything I can see
is clearer. Will I ever get used to this? To an eternal life
with bloodlust and such strong senses? Or shall I ask van
Helsing to drive a stake through my heart? No! I may/(SHALL?) not give
up!I am still wearing the clothes (GEGENWART) I wore when I died, for it HAS (had)
only been an hour or a little more from my death to now/SINCE I DIED. My
crucifix is still hanging around my neck. I wonder why it does
not harm me. Maybe we are different from other vampires, for
religious things – such as crucifixes or holy water - normally
burn their skin when they touch them.I heard (VERGANGENHEIT) a rabbit jumping around. “What are you waiting for?
Catch it!” van Helsing said. When I held it in my hands, I
wondered whether I should really kill this cute little thing.
But if I wanted to get rid of this burning pain, I had to. My
canine teeth grew. I pulled the rabbit’s head back and dug
them into its throat. God, forgive me! I have to admit that it
was the best thing to do, for the pain has almost gone.When van Helsing took out his mirror, I realised that I (me) and
all the others had a reflection in it. The Professor could not
explain this. “We must be a new kind of vampires”, he guessed.´We do not fight a single monster but legions of them.´ - ´The
vampire doesn’t die like the bee after the first sting; he
grows stronger.´ - ´Your last drop of blood? Thank you, you’re
very welcome here. I didn’t ask as much as that. Not yet.´ -
´A peasant unearths no grain to see whether it grows. Only
children who play peasant do this, but not those who earn
their money with it.´ - ´She’s not a helpless victim, she’s a
willing recruit. She is… the devil’s… concubine!´ All of van
Helsing’s quotations which I ever heard or read in the other’s
diaries came TO (into my) mind, and some of them now were fitting
very well to us.Becoming a vampire must have stressed me, for I feel very
tired now.24th November
Dawn. – After I had laid down, I fell asleep immediately. I
woke up three hours later. Therefore, I came to the conclusion
that vampires need less sleep than humans.The sun does not weaken me. This is another strange thing that
separates us from most of the other vampires.27th November
I was not in the mood for writing during the last two days. We
are driving along the Danube by ship now. Although we are
vampires, we can cross water whenever we want. Unlike Dracula.Today I had a wolf for breakfast. The largest animal I have
bitten (EATEN?) yet. Van Helsing HAS (had) taught us a lot about hunting –
although we HAVE BEEN (are) un-dead FOR (since) only four days. After all of
this, I wonder what we will witness in THE future…"
ACHTE AUF DEINE ZEIT! Es ist klar das Gegenwart und Vergangenheit sich abwechseln, weil es deine Tagebucheinträge betrifft, aber du solltest trotzdem versuchen consequent zu sein.
Solltest du noch Fragen haben, sag ruhig Bescheid, dann könnte ich dir vielleicht noch ein paar inhaltliche Tipps geben.
