bill

Von: , Frage gestellt am Mo, 29. Jul 2002

Divine Time, Bill
Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and Bill says: "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I sure would like to get together with her!" Hugh replies: "Well Bill, you know ... ever since our incident, her price has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune." Bill (with a chuckle), "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her number?" So, Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet & after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling "God ...now I know why you chose the name Divine." To which she replies: "Thank you Bill ... and now I know how you chose the name ... Microsoft."

5 Antworten zu dieser Frage

  1. Antwort von nach einer Stunde hilfreich
    Re: bill

    Fireman
    What do you call a Fireman who constantly gets people out of buildings when there is no danger???
    A PRE-MATURE EVACUATOR

  2. Antwort von nach einer Stunde hilfreich
    Re: bill

    The "I Love You" virus that infects users of Microsoft's outlook has morphed. Watch for these variations:

    - The "I love you, too" virus: Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.

    - The "I'm looking for more of a commitment" virus - Receives the "I love you" virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called "hold for my sweetie" for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called "Golf with the guys" or "Night out with the Girls." It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your 'ex', and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.

    - The "Let's just be friends" virus - Immediately deletes the "I love you" virus, sends a "Let's Just be friends" response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.

    - The "Unsafe Sex" virus - Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.

    - The "Safe Sex" virus - Wraps the "I Love You letter" in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.

    - The "Sexual Harassment Lawsuit" virus - Forwards a copy of the "I Love You" virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over $100k.

    More variations are being discovered every day, so make sure you update your virus protection.

  3. Antwort von nach 2 Stunden hilfreich
    Re: bill

    One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

    His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

    Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

    Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

    He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

    Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

  4. Antwort von nach 2 Stunden hilfreich
    Re: bill

    This old man was playing the fiddle at a barn dance. He was sitting on an old pickle barrel and his pants zipper was unzipped. While playing the family jewels fell out and were hanging down in the barrel. An old lady observed all of this and felt obligated to tell him what had taken place. She went up to him and said, "Do you know your zipper's unzipped and all of the family jewels are hanging in the pickle barrel"? The old man said, "No lady, but if you can hum it I'll play it".

  5. Antwort von nach 2 Stunden hilfreich
    Re: bill

    Consider this ... and remember that it is all completely true.

    Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
    John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

    Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
    John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

    The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
    Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
    Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

    Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
    Both were shot in the head.

    Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
    Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

    Both were assassinated by Southerners.
    Both were succeeded by Southerners.
    Both successors were named Johnson.

    Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
    Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

    John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
    Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
    Both assassins were known by their three names.
    Both names comprise fifteen letters.

    Booth ran from the theatre and were caught in a warehouse.
    Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

    Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

    HERE'S THE KICKER:
    A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
    A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe....

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