For those of you have done a lot of travelling, Qantas have always had
a more „relaxed“ approach. Here’s a couple of examples. All too rarely,
airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight „safety
lecture“ and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Qantas Flight with a very „senior“ flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, „Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.“
On landing the hostess said, „Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s
something we’d like to have.“
„There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways to leave the aircraft.“
„Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.“
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: „Whoa, big fella. WHOA!“
From a Qantas employee: „Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY.
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public
unsupervised.“
„In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than
one small child, pick your favourite.“
„Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.“
„Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments.“
„Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children… or other adults acting like children.“
„As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.“
And from the pilot during his welcome message: „Qantas airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!“
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, „That was quite a
bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t
the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the
flight attendant’s fault… it was the asphalt!“
Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy
and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having
to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
„Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats
with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of
our airplane to the gate!“
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:
„We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal.“
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a „Thanks for flying Qantas.“ He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, „Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?“ „Why no
Ma’am,“ said the pilot. „What is it?“ The little old lady said, „Did we land
or were we shot down?“
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant
came on with, „Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal.“
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: „We’d like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you’ll think of Qantas.“