Strahlend erzählt die Ehefrau ihrem Mann: „Du, Schatz, ich war heute bei
einer Wahrsagerin, und die hat mir erzählt, dass ich alt werde!“
„So“, meint der Ehemann trocken, „das fällt auch schon anderen Leuten auf?!?“
Two young boys were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew
very little about his mother. Arriving home that evening, he gave her a third
degree examination.
„How old are you?“ he asked.
„None of your business,“ replied his mother, shortly.
„Okay, then how much do you weigh?“
„That’s not your business either, young man.“
The boy thinks a minute then delivers his final bombshell.
„Well then, can you tell me why you and daddy got divorced?“
Shocked and appalled, mom sends junior to bed without supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. „I know!“ says
his buddy, „Just look at her driver’s license in her purse. It’ll tell you
everything you want to know.“
Later that day, mom finds her son next to her disemboweled purse, holding her
driver’s license. „Just what the heck do you think you are doing?“ she yells.
„Well, you wouldn’t tell me what I wanted to know,“ says the junior detective,
„but my friend said it’s all right here. See, you’re 40 years old…
you weigh 145 pounds…and daddy divorced you because you got an ‚F‘ in Sex.“
I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner,
enjoying a drink.
I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she
was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman,
introduced myself, and said, „Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor.“
„Yes?“
„I’m sitting right over there,“ pointing to my seat at the bar, „and I’m waiting
on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come
walk by and just say, ‚Hi, Ray,‘?“
„Sure.“
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started
to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
„Hi, Ray,“ he said.
I replied, „Get lost Gates, I’m in a meeting.“
A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with
another man.
„Get over it, buddy,“ he said. „It’s not the end of the world.“
„It’s all right for you to say,“ answered his buddy. „But what if you came home
one night and caught another man in bed with YOUR wife?“
The fella ponders for a moment, then says:
„I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.“
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in
the will:
„To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good,
I leave her the house and $2 million.“
The lawyer continued, „To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness
and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business
and $1 million.“
The lawyer concluded, „And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me,
and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong.
Hi Dan!“
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his
wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his
wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to
watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife
meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves
at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife
participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
„I just can’t believe this,“ the distraught husband said.
The detective said, „What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!“
The husband replied, „I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!“
Frau Huber zu ihrer Nachbarin: „Meine Tochter hat endlich eingesehen, das es
doch nicht so toll ist immer mit Jungs herum zu laufen!“
Die Nachbarin: „So? Was macht sie den jetzt?“
Frau Huber: „Sie sitzt in ihrem Zimmer und strickt Babysachen!“
Eine Frau wacht mitten in der Nacht auf und stellt fest, dass ihr Ehemann
nicht im Bett ist. Sie zieht sich ihren Morgenmantel an und verlässt das
Schlafzimmer.
Er sitzt am Küchentisch vor einer Tasse Kaffee - tief in Gedanken versunken…
starrt nur gegen die Wand. Sie kann beobachten, wie ihm eine Träne aus den Augen
rinnt und er einen kräftigen Schluck von seinem Kaffee nimmt.
„Was ist los, Liebling? Warum sitzt du um diese Uhrzeit in der Küche?“
fragt sie ihn.
„Erinnerst du dich, als wir vor 20 Jahren unser erstes Date hatten? Du warst
gerade erst 16!“ fragt er sie. „Aber ja!“ erwidert sie. „Erinnerst du dich
daran, dass uns dein Vater dabei erwischt hat, als wir uns gerade in meinem
Auto auf dem Rücksitz geliebt haben?“ „Ja, ich erinnere mich gut, das werde
ich nie vergessen.“
„Erinnerst du dich auch, als er mir sein Gewehr vor das Gesicht gehalten hat
und
gesagt hat ´Entweder du heiratest meine Tochter oder du wanderst für die
nächsten 20 Jahre ins Gefängnis!´?“
„Oh ja!“ sagt sie
Er wischt eine weitere Träne von seiner Wange und sagt: „Weißt du…
heute wäre ich entlassen worden!“
Ein Mopedfahrer fährt eine überaus korpulente Frau an. Die Frau schreit
ihn an:" Sie Verkehrsrowdy! Hätten sie nicht außenrum fahren können?"
„Eigentlich schon, aber ich hatte Angst, daß dann mein Sprit nicht reicht…“
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect
mate to some of her friends. „The man I marry must be a shining light amongst
company. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!“
An old granny overheard and spoke up, „Honey, if that’s all you want, get a TV!“
A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them
falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled
back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator,
„My friend is dead! What can I do?“
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, „Alright, take it easy.
I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.“
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line. „OK. Now what??“
A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try
the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing
whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, „Just hit the ball toward
the flag on the first green.“
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto
the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
„Now what?“ the fellow asked the speechless pro.
„Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,“ the pro finally said,
after he was able to speak again.
„Oh great! Now you tell me,“ said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep
water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.
The man said, „My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I’ll
give you a hundred dollars.“
The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the
woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at
the feet of the man, the fisherman said, „Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?“
The man said, „Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought
it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.“
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, „Just my luck. How much
do I owe you?“
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says,
„What are you doing?“
She answers, „I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400
for doing what I do for you for free!“
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her
husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies…
„I’m going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!“
„Congratulations my boy!“ said the groom’s uncle.
„I’m sure you’ll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life.“
„But I’m not getting married until tomorrow.“ Protested his nephew.
„I know,“ replied the uncle, „that’s exactly what I mean.“
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that
had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated:
„This bull mated 50 times last year.“
The wife turns to her husband and says, „He mated 50 times in a year, you
could learn from him.“
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: „This bull mated 65 times
last year.“ The wife turns to her husband and says, „This one mated 65 times
last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also.“
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: „This bull mated 365
times last year.“ The wife’s mouth drops open and says, „WOW! He mated
365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn
from this one.“
The man turns to his wife and says, „Go up and inquire if it was 365 times
with the same cow.“
"Programmieren ist ein ständiger Wettbewerb zwischen Programmierern die
versuchen, größere, bessere und idiotensichere Programme zu schreiben
und dem Universum, das versucht größere und dümmere Idioten zu erzeugen…
…Bisher hat das Universum gewonnen. "
Eine junge Brünette geht zum Arzt und sagt: „Herr Doktor, überall wo ich
meinen Körper berühre, schmerzt er.“ „Unmöglich“, meint der Doktor darauf.
Da nimmt die Brünette Ihren Finger und drückt ihn gegen den Ellbogen und
schreit. Sie drückt ihn gegen das Knie und schreit wiederum, dann drückt
sie ihn gegen den Bauch und schreit, usw.
Darauf sagt der Doktor: „Sie sind nicht wirklich brünett?“
„Nein“, antwortet sie, „Ich bin in Wirklichkeit blond“.
„Das dachte ich mir“, meinte der Arzt, „denn Ihr Finger ist gebrochen“.
Die Kinder sollen als Hausaufgabe einen Vogel malen.
Heinz hat das recht ordentlich hingekriegt, nur ist sein Bild nicht ganz
vollständig geworden.
Fragt die Lehrerin: „Sag mal Heinz, Dein Vogel hat ja weder Beine noch Schwanz!
Warum jenes?“
Da fängt der Kleine zu heulen an: „Als ich meine Mama fragte, wo man bei
Vögeln die Beine hinmacht, hat sie mir eine geknallt. Da wollte ich nach
dem Schwanz gar nicht erst fragen…“
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
„What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case
you get lost in the desert?“ he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as
food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his
hand. „Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring
with you?“ asked the Scout Master. Timmy replied, „A compass, a canteen of
water, and a deck of cards.“
„Why’s that Timmy?“
„Well,“ answered Timmy, „the compass is to find the right direction, the
water is to prevent dehydration.“
„And what about the deck of cards?“ asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come
up behind you and say, „Put that red nine on top of that black ten!“
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up,
looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, „What’s
taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!“
The guy answers, „My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I
want to make this a perfect shot.“
„Forget it, man! You don’t stand a chance of hitting her from here!“
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an
accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small
business that he had started himself. „I need someone with an accounting
degree,“ the man said. „But mainly, I’m looking for someone to do my worrying
for me.“
„Excuse me?“ the accountant said.
„I worry about a lot of things,“ the man said. „But I don’t want to have to
worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.“
„I see,“ the accountant said. „And how much does the job pay?“
„I’ll start you at eighty thousand.“
„Eighty thousand dollars!“ the accountant exclaimed. „How can such a small
business afford a sum like that?“
„That,“ the owner said, „is your first worry.“
It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by
the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an
18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch
whiskey.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her
lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he
had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs,
where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes,
ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed Five Pound Note sticking out
from under the cup’s bottom edge. „All this was just too wonderful
for words,“ he said, „but what’s the fiver for?“ „Well,“ said the
dumb blonde, „last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you. He said: ‚F**k him. Give him a fiver.‘
… the breakfast was my idea.“
Nachdem Neil Armstrong als erster Mensch den Mond betreten hatte, gab er nicht
nur den berühmten Satz mit dem Schritt von sich. Ehe er zurück in das
Eagle-Modul kletterte, machte er eine rätselhafte Bemerkung:
„Viel Glück, Mr. Gorsky!“ Jahrzehntelang blieb ungeklärt, was der Astronaut
gemeint haben könnte. Ein Reporter fragte Neil Armstrong erneut und bekam
eine Antwort: Einmal, als Neil noch ein kleiner Junge war, spielte er mit
seinem Bruder Baseball im Garten. Ein Ball landete genau unter dem
Schlafzimmerfenster der Nachbarn, Mr. und Mrs. Gorsky. Als Neil sich bückte,
um den Ball aufzuheben, hörte er, wie Mrs. Gorsky ihren Gatten anschrie:
„Oralsex? Du willst Oralsex? Du kannst Oralsex haben, wenn der Nachbarsjunge
auf dem Mond herumläuft!“
Passantenumfrage in einer deutschen Stadt: „Mein Herr“, fragt der Reporter,
„was denken Sie, ist das größere Problem in unserer Gesellschaft: mangelndes
Wissen oder Desinteresse?“
„Weiß ich nicht. Ist mir auch egal.“
Ein Mann kommt mit seinem Affen in die Bar. Er bestellt ein Bier und trinkt,
während der Affe die Bar auseinander nimmt. Schließlich springt der Affe auf
den Billardtisch, schnappt sich die Acht und verschluckt sie.
Der Barkeeper: „Haben Sie gesehen, was der Affe gemacht hat?“
„Nein. Was hat das Mistvieh jetzt schon wieder angestellt?“, fragt der Mann.
„Es hat gerade die schwarze Acht verschluckt!“, antwortet der Barkeeper
entrüstet.
„Hoffentlich stirbt er daran“, meint der Mann, „der Affe nervt mich schon die
ganze Zeit.“
Er trinkt aus und geht. Zwei Wochen später kommt er wieder in die Bar und hat
wieder den Affen dabei. Er bestellt wieder ein Bier, der Affe nimmt wieder
die Bar auseinander.
Schließlich macht sich der Affe über die Erdnüsse auf dem Tresen her. Er
schnappt sich eine, schiebt sie sich in den Hintern, holt sie wieder heraus
und isst sie.
Der Barkeeper: „Haben Sie gesehen, was der Affe gemacht hat?“
„Nein, was denn?“, will der Mann wissen.
„Er hat sich eine Erdnuss in den Arsch geschoben, wieder rausgeholt und danach
gefressen“, erzählt der Barkeeper angewidert.
„Na klar“, sagt der Mann, „seit er die Acht verschluckt hat, misst er alles
genau aus, bevor er es sich ins Maul schiebt.“
Drei Maurer, davon ein Düsseldorfer, ein Italiener und ein Franzose sitzen auf
der Baustelle bei der Brotzeit. Der Düsseldorfer öffnet seine Brotzeitdose und
sieht ein Marmeladenbrot. Darauf sagt er:
„Marmeladenbrot, immer muß ich Marmeladenbrote essen! Wenn ich morgen wieder
ein Marmeladenbrot bekomme, bring ich mich um und springe vom Gerüst.“
Der Italiener öffnet seine Brotzeitdose und sieht eine Pizza. Er reagiert
genauso: „Immer bekomme ich eine Pizza, wenn das morgen wieder so ist, springe
ich vom Gerüst“.
Der Franzose öffnet seine Brotzeitdose, sieht ein Baguette. „Immer bekomme
ich ein Baguette, wenn das morgen wieder so ist, bringe ich mich um, springe
vom Gerüst“.
Nächster Tag ist wieder Brotzeit: der Italiener öffnet die Brotzeitdose -
PIZZA. Steht auf, springt vom Gerüst - tot. Der Franzose öffnet seine
Brotzeitdose - BAGUETTE - nimmt Anlauf, springt - tot. Der Düsseldorfer
öffnet seine Brotzeitdose - MARMELADENBROT - springt vom Gerüst - tot.
Bei der Beerdigung kommen die beiden Witwen des Italieners und des Franzosen
zur Witwe des Düsseldorfers und schluchzen:
„Hätten unsere Männer nur ein Wort gesagt, sie hätten auch eine andere
Brotzeit bekommen!“ Darauf die Düsseldorferin: „Eure Männer kann ich ja noch
verstehen, aber mein Mann hat sich doch seine Brotzeit selbst gemacht…“
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack
and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had
a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, „Is this it?“ God said, „No,
you have another 30 to 40 years to live.“
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots,
cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had
someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she
might as well make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by
an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said,
„I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?“
God replied, „Shirley! I didn’t recognize you!“
In the prime of her career, a world famous painter started to lose her
eyesight.
Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye
surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.
The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by
repainting
the doctor’s office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one
wall.
When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her
latest
work of art – the doctor’s office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and
asked
the doctor, „What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted
office,
especially that large eye on the wall?“
The eye doctor responded, "I said to myself, ‚Thank God I’m not a gynecologist.‘
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn’t
find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, „Do these turkeys get any bigger?“
The stock boy replied, „No ma’am, they’re dead.“
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a
local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, „Pull, Nellie, pull!“ Buddy didn’t
move.
Then the farmer hollered, „Pull, Buster, pull!“ Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, „Pull, Coco, pull!“ Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, „Pull, Buddy, pull!“ And the horse easily
dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why
he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
„Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he
wouldn’t even try!“
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed
of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant
vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in
circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but
institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known
as morons.
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this
small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his
new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big
impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door,
Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this
case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that
case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of
my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next
week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat
patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and
turned to the man. „I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy.
What can I do for you?“
The man replied, „I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.“
A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but
his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls
an usher over and whispers, „I just love a good mystery, and I have
been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order
to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch
a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better
seat, I’ll give you a handsome tip.“
The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a
large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office,
hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until
curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches
it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers,
„Follow me.“
The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out
the empty seat right in the middle.
„Thanks so much,“ says the theatergoer, „This seat is perfect.“
He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers,
„The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.“
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast
around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not
noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast
under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students
in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window
as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a
strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being
allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some
counseling from the marriage therapist to see if their union could be
saved.
The counselor did her best, but to no avail. The old folks were
absolutely determined to go through with the separation leading to
divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counselor said: „But you’re
95 and your wife is 93. You’ve been married for 72 years! Why do you
want to separate now??“
To which the wife replied: „We haven’t been able to stand each other
for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the
children died before we split up.“
Two priests are vacationing in Hawaii. They don’t want to stand out,
so they decide to buy casual clothes. They’ve just hit the beach in
loud Hawaiian print T-shirts and sandals when they spot this hot
blonde in a tiny bikini walking their way. As she walks past them,
she politely says, „Good afternoon, fathers.“
Well, the men are amazed, because they can’t understand how the
woman knew they were priests. They decide to go out and buy even
wilder clothes, so they buy tie-died T-shirts, surfer shorts, and
dark sunglasses. The next day, they hit the beach in their wild new
clothes, and the same blonde passes them in a string bikini. As she
passes, she says, „How do you do, fathers?“
Well, the two priests are really confused, so they ask the blonde,
„Excuse me, ma’am. We’re not ashamed of being priests, but how in
the world did you know who we were?“
The blonde replies „Why, father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister
Catherine from the convent!“
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware
engineer are in Miami beach for a two-week period helping out on a
project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach
during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon
a lamp.
As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says „Normally I would
grant you three wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant
you each one wish.“
The hardware engineer went first. „I would like to spend the rest
of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money
worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.“ The
genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. „I would like to spend the rest
of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with
no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me.“
The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager’s turn. „And what
would your wish be?“ asked the genie. „I want them both back after
lunch“ replied the project manager.
The owner of a manufacturing firm decided to make a surprise tour of
the factory. Walking through the warehouse he noticed a young man
lazily leaning against a packing crate. The factory owner angrily
said, „Just how much are you being paid?“
The young man replied, „A hundred dollars a week.“
The owner pulled out his wallet, peeled off five $20 bills and shouted
at the young man: „Here is a week’s pay. Now get out and don’t come
back!“
Without a word, the young man stuffed the money into his pocket and
left.
The warehouse manager, standing nearby, stared in amazement.
„Tell me,“ the owner asked, „How long has that guy worked for us?“
„He didn’t work here,“ replied the warehouse manager, „He was just
the Fed-Ex guy delivering a package.“
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing
interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that
it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed
potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.
About a week later she’s back at the doctor, where she says, „Doc,
the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It
wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food
and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off
and ravaged me right there on the table!“
The doctor says, „I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that
strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.“
„Nah,“ she says, „that’s okay. We’re never going back to that
restaurant anyway.“
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of
$5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. „Well, then,
here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce“, the man said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s
underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s doors, and asked
to settle up his loan and get his car back. „That will be $5,000 in
principal, and $20.30 in Interest“, the loan officer said. The man
wrote out a check and started to walk away.
„Wait sir“, the loan officer said, „while you were gone, I found
out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow $5,000?“
The man smiled. „Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan
for two weeks and pay only $20.30?“
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, „Darling, its my
mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like
something electric.“
The husband replied, „How about a chair?!?“
Sie zu ihm: „Flüster’ mir doch mal was richtig dreckiges ins Ohr“
Er zu ihr: „Küche“
Frau Meier hat Drillinge bekommen. Der siebenjährige Bruder wird
gefragt, wie die drei heißen sollen. Unsicher sagt er: „Wenn ich Papa
am Telefon richtig verstanden habe, heißen sie Himmel, Arsch und
Zwirn.“
Sixteen Things That it Took Me 50 Years to Learn by Dave Barry
-
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight-savings time. -
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment. -
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
-
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers. -
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11. -
There is a very fine line between „hobby“ and „mental illness.“
-
People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them. -
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be „meetings.“ -
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them. -
If there really is a God who created the entire universe with
all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity,
He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle. -
You should not confuse your career with your life.
-
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person. -
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously. -
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy. -
Your friends love you, anyway.
-
Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
Sarah, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all
of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a
bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one
could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall
tan. She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.
She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her
rear. „Excuse me, miss,“ said the flustered assistant manager of the
hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.
„The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would
very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday.“
„What difference does it make?“ Sarah asked rather calmly. „No one
can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.“
„Not exactly,“ said the embarrassed man. „You’re lying on the
dining room skylight.“
I was on a flight to Hong Kong once. The flight would be seven hours
long, so I decided to get some shuteye. I was soon awakened by the
stewardess, who asked me if I would like some dinner. I said,
„What are my choices?“
And she said, „Yes or no.“
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 25
years, he happily retired.
Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million
dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get
the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the
challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine.
At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and proudly stated, „This is where your
problem is“. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again.
The company received a bill for $20,001 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark … … … $1
Knowing where to put it … $20,000
A clever elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, so she
told the artist, „Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
an emerald bracelet, and a gold Rolex.“
„But you’re not wearing any of those things!“ the artist pointed out.
„I know,“ she said. „It’s in case I die before my husband. If he
remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for
the jewelry.“
Der Gymnasialdirektor, der Hauptschuldirektor und der Direktor der
Sonderschule sitzen bei einem feuchtfröhlichen Abend im Wirtshaus
beisammen. Um zehn meint der Gymnasialdirektor: „Es wird spät, meine
Herren, ich fahre jetzt heim.“
Er zahlt und geht, kommt aber nach ein paar Minuten wieder und sagt:
„So ein Pech, jetzt haben mir die Gendarmen den Führerschein
weggenommen. Na ja, da kann ich mir noch ein Glas genehmigen.“
Eine Stunde später steht der Hauptschuldirektor auf und verabschiedet
sich. Aber auch er kommt nach ein paar Minuten wieder: „Die stehn
glatt immer noch da, mein Führerschein ist auch weg. Trinken wir noch
eins.“
Nach einer Viertelstunde zahlt der Sonderschuldirektor, verabschiedet
sich und geht. Die anderen beiden warten gespannt. Richtig, nach einer
weiteren Viertelstunde kommt der Sonderschuldirektor herein. Die
anderen grinsen schadenfroh, aber der sagt:
„Na na, was ihr denkt! Da sind eure Führerscheine wieder. Ich kenn
doch meine Pappenheimer von der Sonderschule…“
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the
women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how
to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, „Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!“
The room really got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
„Yes?“ replied the teacher.
„Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?“
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor
with an unusual offer.
„Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When
you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‚love, honor
and obey‘ and ‚forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,‘
I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.“ He passed
the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have
moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the
young man in the eye and says, „Will you promise to prostrate
yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her
breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?“
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
„I do.“
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, „I thought we had
a deal.“
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back,
„She made me a much better offer.“
On a display of „I love you only“ Valentine cards:
„Now available in multi-packs.“
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: „Don’t kill your wife.
Let our washing machine do the dirty work.“
Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: „Please do not smoke near the
pumps. If your life isn’t worth anything - gas is!“
Sign at a Budapest zoo: „Please do not feed the animals. If you
have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.“
Things You Don’t Want To Hear During Surgery:
„Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.“
„Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness“
„Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!“
„Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.“
„Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?“
„What do you mean you want a divorce?“
Moses calls a staff meeting.
Moses: Well, how are we going to get across the sea? We need
a fast solution. The Egyptians are close behind us.
The General of the Armies: Normally, I’d recommend that we
build a pontoon bridge to carry us across. But there’s not
enough time - the Egyptians are too close.
The Admiral of the Navy: Normally, I’d recommend that we build
barges to carry us across. But time is too short.
Moses: Does anyone have a solution?
Just then, his Public Relations man raises his hand.
Moses: You! You have a solution?
The PR Man: No, but I can promise you this: If you can find a
way out of this one, I can get you two or three pages in the
Old Testament!
A man speaks frantically into the phone, „My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!“
„Is this her first child?“ the doctor queries.
„No, you idiot!“ the man shouts. „This is her *husband*!“
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children
on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little
boys seemed disquieted by the phrase „Surely, goodness
and mercy will follow me all the days of my life…“
„What’s wrong with that, Johnny?“ the pastor asked.
„Well,“ answered Johnny, „I understand about having
goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I’m not sure
I’d like Shirley following me around all the time.“
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the
teacher asked, „Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23
degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east
longitude?“
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, „I guess you’d be
eating alone.“
On a street, where the speed is limited to 30mph the police stops
a driver.
-„So then. Not only have you been driving too fast, you’ve been
overtaking where it was not allowed. Your lights don’t work, your
tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a
lot. What’s your name?“
-„Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic.“
-„Hmmmm…eh…well, I’ll let you go this time…but
don’t do it again.“
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, he said: „Now, students, if I stood on my
head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red
in the face.“
„Yes, sir,“ the boys said.
„Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?“
A little fellow shouted, „'It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.“
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
„You’ll get your chance in court,“ said the desk sergeant.
„No, no, no!“ said the man. „I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!“
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, „Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise
in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and
I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start
making a sandwich.“
The second lady chimed in with, „Yes, sometimes I find myself
on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was
on my way up or on my way down.“
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have
that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the
table, and then said, „That must be the door, I’ll get it!“
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove
that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The
President decides to give them a test. He releases a
rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout
the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude
that rabbits do not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they
burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the
rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with
a badly beaten raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: „Okay! Okay!
I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!“
Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They
follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon
he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the assassins
set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set,
load the guns, and have everything ready to go.
Noon comes, no dictator… 10 minutes longer… no dictator.
One assassin turns to the other and says, „Gee, I hope nothing
happened to him.“
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out
and cornered a small monkey and roared, „Who is mightiest of all
jungle animals?“
The trembling monkey says, „You are, mighty lion!“
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeast and fiercely bellows,
„Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?“
The terrified wildebeast stammers, „Oh great lion, you are by far the
mightiest animal in the jungle!“
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
„Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?“
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,
slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling
like it’d been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped
on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered
after the elephant, „Geez, just because you don’t know the answer,
you don’t have to get so pissed off!“
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a
big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, „Who was that??!!“
„Oh,“ replies the husband, „that was my mistress.“
The wife says, „That’s it; I want a divorce.“
„I understand,“ replies her husband, „but, remember, if you get a divorce,
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean,
no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours.“
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a
gorgeous woman. „Who’s that woman with Jim?“ she asks.
„That’s his mistress,“ replies her husband.
„Ours is prettier,“ says the wife.
Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the
rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other
and said:
„Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out
number them?“
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious
about the latest arrival in their building – a quiet, nice looking gentleman
who keeps to himself.
Shirley says,„Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool
and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.“
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says,
„Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering
why you looked so lonely.“
"Of course I’m lonely, he says, „I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.“
„You’re kidding! What for?“
„For killing my third wife. I strangled her.“
„What happened to your second wife?“
„I shot her.“
„And, if I may ask, your first wife?“
„We had a fight and she fell off a building.“
„Oh my,“ says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool,
she yells, „Yoo hoo, Shirley. He’s single.“
The teacher wrote „Like I ain’t had no fun in months“ on the board and then she
said, „Andretti, how should I correct that?“
David replied, „Maybe get a new boyfriend?“
Ein Fahrzeug wird von einem Polizisten angehalten.
Polizist: „Haben Sie nicht bemerkt, dass Sie in einer 30er Zone 50 gefahren
sind?“
Fahrer: „Nein ich fuhr 40.“
„Oh nein, Du bist 60 gefahren“, sagt seine Frau und erntet dafür einen
verachtenden Blick.
Polizist: „Außerdem bekommen sie einen Strafzettel für das kaputte Rücklicht!“
Fahrer: „Ich weiß nichts von einem kaputten Rücklicht:“
„Oh nein, du weißt seit Wochen von dem kaputten Rücklicht“, sagt die Frau und
erntet dafür den nächsten bösen Blick.
Polizist: „Und dann noch einen dafür, dass sie nicht angeschnallt sind“
Fahrer: „Ich habe meinen Gurt erst beim Anhalten gelöst.“
„Oh nein, du gurtest dich doch nie an“, sagt die Frau.
Ihr Mann rastet aus und schreit Sie an: „Halte jetzt endlich mal deine Klappe!“
Polizist: „Sagen sie mal, brüllt Ihr Mann Sie denn immer so an?“
Frau: „Nein, nicht immer, nur wenn er betrunken ist!“
Ein junges Paar im Bett.
Sie zu ihm: „Du mein Hengst - mein Stecher! Sag doch auch mal was Schmutziges
zu mir!“
„Küche, Bad, Wohnzimmer…“
„Herr Direktor, darf ich heute früher nach Hause gehen?“
„Warum?“
„Ich will meiner Frau beim Frühjahrsputz helfen“.
„Kommt gar nicht in Frage!“
„Danke Herr Direktor, ich wußte doch, daß Sie mich nicht im Stich lassen.“
Der Student soll an einer Puppe eine Zangengeburt demonstrieren.
Schweißgebadet arbeitet er daran herum.
Der Professor klopft ihm auf die Schulter und meint:
„Wenn Sie jetzt noch dem Vater die Zange auf den Schädel schlagen, haben Sie die
ganze Familie ausgerottet!“
Die Trauergemeinde lauscht den Worten des Pfarrers über den Verstorbenen:
" … er hieß Kampf, sein Leben war Kampf, er kämpfte von morgens bis abends,
er hörte nie auf zu kämpfen …"
Da flüsterte einer der Trauergäste seinem Nachbarn zu:
„Meine Grabrede dürfte der nicht halten!“ -
„Wieso?“ -
„Ich heiße Vogel!“
Der junge Feuerwehrmann klärt seine Frischgebackene in derHochzeitsnacht auf:
„Bei mir geht alles nach Pfiff!“
Kurz darauf beginnt er: „Erster Pfiff - ausziehen! Zweiter Pfiff - ab in die
Falle! Dritter Pfiff - heißt, los geht’s!“
Kurze Zeit später stößt sie einen Pfiff aus.
„Was heißt das?“ fragt er.
„Mehr Schlauch, bitte …“
One night at about 3 am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed
when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that
seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.
She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders.
After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door.
Rodent scratchy sounds again!
She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried
to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg!
That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the
bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.
This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now
scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly
marked the path from bed to the bathroom.
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian’s wife went into labor in the middle of the
night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and
said: „Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.“
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
„Whoa there Ian!“ said the doctor. „Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern
down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come yet.“
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
„No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad…
It seems there’s yet another one besides!“ cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:
„Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?“
Als ich jünger war, hasste ich es zu Hochzeiten zu gehen. Tanten und
großmütterliche Bekannte kamen zu mir, piekten mir in die Seite, lachten
und sagten:
„Du bist die Nächste.“
Sie haben mit dem Mist aufgehört als ich anfing, auf Beerdigungen das
gleiche zu machen.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his
wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a
piece
of paper, „Please wake me at 5:00 AM.“
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t
woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said,
„It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.“
My Mom bought a new book recently entitled:
„What Twenty Million American Women Want.“
Seeing the title, my Dad grabbed the book out of her hand and started thumbing
through the pages. Astonished and not just a little bit irritated, she stared
up at him and said, „What in the world are you doing?“
He simply told her, „I just want to see if they’ve got my name spelled right.“
„The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the
male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will
be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180.
Are there any questions?“
At this, a male student in the crowd inquires,
„Um, How much for a season pass?“
„You know, it’s at times like these when I’m trapped in an airlock with an
alien and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I’d
listened to what my mother told me when I was young!“
„Why, what did she tell you?“
„I don’t know, I didn’t listen!“
A nursery school teacher was taking a station wagon full of kids home one day
when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was
a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.
„They use him to keep crowds back,“ said one youngster.
„No,“ said another, „he’s just for good luck.“
A third child brought the argument to a close. „They use the dogs,“ she said
firmly, „to find the fire hydrant.“
One night at about 3 am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed
when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that
seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.
She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders.
After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door.
Rodent scratchy sounds again!
She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried
to retreat from the bathroom.
This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg!
That was, of course, too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the
bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.
This is not a pleasant way to wake up. Scrambling into consciousness, now
scared half to death myself, I managed to get the light on.
The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly
marked the path from bed to the bathroom.
In the back woods of Scotland, Ian’s wife went into labor in the middle of the
night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and
said: „Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.“
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
„Whoa there Ian!“ said the doctor. „Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern
down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come yet.“
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
„No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad…
It seems there’s yet another one besides!“ cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:
„Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?“
A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the
last row in the corner of the stadium…he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp
than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off
the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his
way through the stadium around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,
„Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?“
The man replies „No“. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game,
he again inquires of the man next to him, „This is incredible! Who in their
right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?“
The man replies, „Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to
come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t
been together since we got married in 1967.“
„Well, that’s terribly sad. But still, couldn’t you find someone to take the
seat? A relative or close friend?“
„No,“ the man replied, „they’re all at the funeral.“
Sign on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando:
„When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your
step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language.
Thank you.“
A teacher asked one of her pupils, „What’s the nation’s capital?“
The reply was, „Washington D.C.“
On being asked what the ‚D.C.‘ stood for, the pupil added, „Dot com!“
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked,
„You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a
couple of minutes?“
„Why?“ she asks.
„Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of
nowhere.“
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a
well-dressed gentleman on the street. „Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?“
The well-dressed gentleman responds, „You are not going to spend in on liquor
are you?“
„No, sir, I don’t drink,“ retorts the bum.
„You are not going to throw it away gambling, are you?“ asks the gentleman.
„No way, I don’t gamble,“ answers the bum.
„You wouldn’t waste the money at a golf course for greens fees, would you?“
asks the man.
„Never,“ says the bum, „I don’t play golf.“
The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked
meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man’s house,
the bum’s curiosity gets the better of him.
„Isn’t your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?“
„Probably,“ says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what
happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, gamble or play golf. "
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said:
„Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains
cremated.“
„And what,“ his friend asked, „Do you want me to do with your ashes?“
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the
Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope: „Now you have everything.“
„Vorwäsche - Spülen - Hauptwäsche - Spülen - Schleudern - Spülen …
Mama, hat eine Katze sieben oder neuen Leben?“
Eine Frau trifft in einer Bar einen fantastischen Mann. Sie unterhalten
sich, kommen sich näher, zum Schluß verlassen sie gemeinsam die Bar.
Sie gehen zu seinem Apartment und als sie sich dort umsieht sieht sie jede
Menge niedliche Steiff Teddybären.
Hunderte von Bären verteilt auf verschiedene Regale. Kleine auf dem
untersten Regal, mittlere Größen auf dem Mittelregal und ganz große auf dem
obersten Regal. Die Frau ist zwar überrascht, daß der Mann eine
Teddybärsammlung hat,aber sie beschließt nichts zu sagen und ist stattdessen
beeindruckt von der sensiblen Seite des Mannes.
Sie dreht sich zu ihm … sie küssen sich … sie reißen einander die
Kleider vom Leib und lieben sich leidenschaftlich.
Nach einer fantastischen Nacht voller Leidenschaft mit dem Mann, liegen sie
am folgenden Morgen nebeneinander und sie fragt ihn: „Na, wie war es?“
Der Mann sagt: „Du kannst Dir einen Preis vom untersten Regal aussuchen!“
Ein Tourist kommt in eine Taverne in Madagaskar und trifft dort einen echten
Piraten mit Holzbein, Haken statt Hand und Augenklappe. Total fasziniert geht er
auf den Piraten zu und sagt: „Boah, also so einen echten Piraten habe ich ja
noch nie gesehen. Sie haben ja alles, Holzbein, Hacken und Augenklappe. Verraten
sie mir vielleicht, wie das alles passiert ist?“
Pirat:„Dann hör mal zu du Landratte! Mein Bein verlor ich durch eine
Kanonenkugel und meine Hand habe ich beim Entern verloren.“
Tourist: „Ja… interessant. Und was ist mit ihrem Auge passiert?“
Pirat: „Da hat mir 'ne Möve reingeschissen!“
Tourist:„Ja, aber davon verliert man doch nicht direkt ein Auge?!“
Pirat: „Naja, ich hatte den Haken erst einen Tag…“
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older
girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would
then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the
girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them at
the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the
school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to
clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully
understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just
how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long-handled brush out of a box. He
then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded
to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
A hobo came up to the front door of the neat looking farmhouse and knocked
gently on the door. When the owner answered, the hobo asked, „Please, sir,
could you give me something to eat? I haven’t had a good meal in several days.“
The owner said, „I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for
people. I never give anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the
back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paintbrush. If you will paint
my porch, I will give you a good meal.“
So the hobo went around back and a little later he again knocked on the door.
The owner said, „Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will
bring your meal right in.“
The hobo said, „Thank you very much, sir. But there is something that I think
you should know. It’s not a Porch, it’s a BMW.“
Late one night during bad weather, the following was heard over the radio at an
airport control tower:
Helicopter Pilot: „Tower, I’m holding at 3000 feet over Heli-pad 1.“
Second voice: „NO! You can’t be doing that! I’m holding at 3000 over that pad!“
There was a brief moment of silence.
First voice again: „You idiot! You’re my co-pilot!“
A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the
road holding up a sign that reads, Quote:
„The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!“
„Leave us alone you religious nuts!“ yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash.
„Do you think,“ said one clergy to the other, „we should just put up a sign
that says, ‚BRIDGE OUT‘ instead?“
Some one-liners:
-How do you get off a non-stop flight?
-How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-If you shouldn’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
-Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
-Does killing time damage eternity?
The hiker who ran up a tree to escape a bear.
There’s a guy who’s hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a
really tall tree.
The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the
bear climbed down and went away.
So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and
this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up
the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed
even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears
went away.
Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the
two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear
was carrying a BEAVER.
Ein Kunde kommt in eine Buchhandlung. Er fragt nach Sam Bertigerz Buch
„Die Unschuld“. Die Buchhändlerin ist sich nicht ganz sicher, ob das Buch noch
auf Lager ist. So ruft sie also über die Schulter nach hinten: „Herr, Meier,
haben Sie noch ‚die Unschuld‘?“ Eine kurze Zeit vergeht, dann kommt eine Stimme
aus den Weiten des Lagers:
„Wenn Sie sie vorn nicht mehr haben, ich habe sie hinten auch nicht mehr…“
A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the
parked car in front of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a
bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to
leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.
The note read:
„Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who
think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and
driver’s license number…“
Großvater starb am Sonntag morgen! Als Katie erfuhr, dass ihr ältlicher
Großvater gerade gestorben war, ging sie direkt zum Hause ihrer Großeltern,
um ihre Großmutter zu trösten. Als sie fragte, wie ihr Opa gestorben sei,
antwortete ihre Großmutter, dass er, während sie ihren Sonntag-morgen-Sex
hatten, einen Herzanfall erlitt. Entsetzt erklärte Kati ihrer Oma, dass wenn
zwei Menschen, die fast 100 Jahre seien, noch miteinander schliefen, das
Schicksal regelrecht herausforderten.
„Oh nein, meine Liebe,“ antwortete die Oma. „Vor vielen Jahren, als uns unser
voranschreitendes Alter klar wurde, fanden wir heraus, dass die beste Zeit
„es zu tun“ dann war, als die Kirchenglocken zu läuten begannen. Es war genau
der
richtige Rhythmus. Nett und langsam und gleichmäßig. Nicht zu anstrengend,
einfach
„rein“ beim Ding und „raus“ beim Dong.“
Sie musste unterbrechen, wischte sich eine Träne weg und fuhr fort: „Und wenn
dieser verdammte Eiswagen mit seinem blöden Gebimmel nicht vorbeigefahren wäre,
wäre er heute noch am Leben…“
Frankreich im späten 18. Jahrhundert:
„Menstruation, Menstruation, Menstruation !!“ ruft ein Bauer.
„Heißt das nicht Revolution ?“ fragt der andere.
„Egal, Hauptsache, es fließt Blut !“
Durch einen schrecklichen Zufall versterben in einer Woche zuerst Friedhelm
Funkel und, drei Tage später, Ottmar Hitzfeld.
Als Hitzfeld in den Himmel kommt, sagt Gott zu ihm:
„Hallo, Herr Hitzfeld, schön sie zu sehen! In Anbetracht ihrer großen Verdienste
um die Bayern kriegen sie hier ihr eigenes Häuschen, und, glauben Sie mir, das
kriegt hier nicht jeder!“
Gott nimmt Hitzfeld an die Hand und führt ihn vor einen kleinen
Flachdach-Bungalow. Die Fußmatte an der Tür ist mit dem Bayern-Logo versehen
und eine kleine FC-Bayern-Fahne weht im Vorgärtchen.
Hitzfeld denkt sich: „Joh, ganz nett“, dreht sich um… und traut seinen
Augen nicht. Auf der nächsten Wolke, hoch über ihm, steht ein italienischer
Palazzo, komplett mit Balustrade und sechs dorischen Säulen. Der Palazzo ist
rot-weißgestrichen, über und über mit FC-Symbolen, Graffiti, FC-Fahnen und
FC-Transparenten, Marmorgeißböcken übersät und aus riesigen Lautsprechern
wehen die Klänge von „mer stonn zu dir, FC Kölle“ zu ihm herab.
Hitzfeld wendet sich an Gott und sagt, schwer brüskiert: „Was ist DAS denn?
Wieso kriegt der Funkel so’n Palast da hingestellt? Hat doch noch gar nix
geleistet, der Mann!! Häh??? Wieso lebt der hier in so 'nem Haus???“
Gott dreht sich um, schaut Hitzfeld tief in die Augen und sagt:
„Das ist nicht Funkels Haus. Das ist meins.“
President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one
of the classes.
They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the
discussion of the word, „tragedy.“ So the illustrious leader asks the class
for an example of a „tragedy.“
One little boy stands up and offers, „If my best friend, who lives next door,
is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would
be a tragedy.“ „No,“ says Bush, „that would be an ACCIDENT.“
A little girl raises her hand: „If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off
a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.“ „I’m afraid not,“
explains Mr. President. „That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.“
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the
room.
„Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?“
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet
voice he says, „If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a
missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that
would be a tragedy.“
„Fantastic,“ exclaims Bush, „that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would
be a TRAGEDY?“
„Well,“ says the boy, „because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly
wouldn’t be a great loss.“
Im Patentamt stellt jemand eine neue Mausfalle vor:
„Hier ist ein halb mit Wasser gefülltes Glas, der Rand ist mit einer süßen und
rutschigen Masse beschichtet. Die Maus wird von der Süße angelockt, setzt sich
auf den Rand, rutscht ab und plumpst ins Wasser. Um ihr aber eine Chance zu
geben und um den Tierschutzverein zu beruhigen ist hier eine Leiter, auf der sie
wieder hinausklettern kann.“
„Aber dann ist das ja gar keine Falle“, moniert der Prüfer.
„Doch doch, das Entscheidende kommt ja noch: Die letzte Stufe ist angesägt!“
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was
topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced,
„Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up
onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and
every member of the audience.“
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.
„I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special
watch. Its been in my family for six generations.“
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
„Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…“
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell
to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
„Shit“ said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.
If you are considering doing some camping this summer, please note the
following
public service announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking
in bear country. The bells warn away MOST bears (brown, black, etc.), but be
careful because they don’t scare Grizzly Bears.
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular
attention to bear droppings to be alert for the presence of Grizzly Bears.
One can easily spot a Grizzly dropping because it has tiny bells in it.
Ein Mann in einem Supermarkt, offensichtlich total überfordert und verloren.
Er steht so neben sich, daß er mit einem anderen Mann zusammenkracht, der sich
genauso verhält:
„Ich bitte um Verzeihung, ich bin nicht so ganz da. Ich suche meine Frau.“
„Oh! Ich suche auch meine! Wie sieht ihre denn aus?“
„Nun, groß, blond, eine Bombenfigur, gut gefüllter BH, trägt ein atemberaubend
kurzen Mini und lächelt immer etwas schelmisch…“
„Ah, weißt Du was… Vergiss meine! Wir suchen Deine!“
Quote of the day:
„The day Microsoft makes something that doesn’t suck is probably the day they
start making vacuum cleaners.“
Ein Mann wird nachts auf der Landstrasse von einem Polizisten
angehalten. „Guten Abend. Ich muss Sie einem Alkoholtest unterziehen.
Da unser Geraet im Moment aber defekt ist, werde ich ihnen einige
Fragen stellen, um so herauszufinden ob Sie betrunken sind oder
nicht.
Erste Frage: „Es ist Nacht und ploetzlich kommen ihnen auf der
Strasse zwei Lichter entgegen. Was koennte es sein?““
„Aber ganz einfach. Natuerlich ein Auto.“
„Ja, aber was für ein Marke? Mercedes, Volvo, BMW…?“
„Das weiss ich doch nicht?“
„Hmm guter Mann, dass faengt ja schon schlecht an. Ich befuerchte,
dass Sie den Test so nicht bestehen werden.
Zweite Frage: „Sie fahren in der Nacht und ihnen kommt ein Licht
entgegen.
Was ist es?““
„Ein Motorrad.“
„Ja, aber was für ein Motorrad? Eine Yamaha, Kawasaki, Honda…?“
„Keine Ahnung.“
„Tut mir leid, aber Ihr Alkoholtest ist positiv ausgefallen. Ich muss
Ihnen den Fuehrerschein entziehen.“
Der Mann, nun ziemlich wuetend: „Darf ich Ihnen nun eine Frage
stellen?“
Ja, legen Sie los."
„Es ist Nacht, eine Frau steht auf dem Trottoir. Sie ist nur knapp
bekleidet, traegt einen superkurzen Minirock, hohe Absaetze und einen
weiten Ausschnitt.
Wer ist es?“
„Na was wohl. Eine Nutte!“
„Ja, aber was für eine Nutte? Ihre Mutter, ihre Schwester oder ihre
Tochter…?“
Eine Blondine geht in der Stadt spazieren und kommt zu einer Laterne. An dieser
hängt ein Zettel: „Appartement zu vermieten“ Die Blondine denkt sich:
„Super! Ich brauche, eh eine Wohnung.“ Sie klopft an der Laterne. Keiner macht
auf. Sie wiederholt ihren Versuch, jedoch wird ihr nicht geöffnet. Eine blonde
Polizistin auf der anderen Straßenseite beobachtet einige Zeit die Bemühungen
der Blondine, fasst sich ein Herz und geht zu ihr. Die Polizistin fragt:
„Was machen sie hier eigentlich.“ Die Blondine zeigt auf den an der Laterne
hängenden Zettel „Appartement zu vermieten“ und bemerkt dazu, dass sie schon
seit geraumer Zeit klopfe, ihr jedoch niemand öffne. Die Polizistin sieht die
Blondine an, dann die Laterne und bemerkt dann lapidar:
„Das gibt es nicht! Es muss jemand da sein! Es brennt doch Licht!“
Der Direktor einer Großbank kontrolliert unangemeldet die Filiale in
der Kleinstadt. Der Schalterraum ist leer, die drei Angestellten
spielen im hinteren Raum Karten. Voller Wut drückt der Direktor auf
den Alarmknopf. Nichts geschieht. Nach ein paar Minuten schliesslich
erscheint der Kellner vom Lokal gegenüber und bringt drei Bier…
Als ich jünger war, hasste ich es zu Hochzeiten zu gehen.
Tanten und großmütterliche Bekannte kamen zu mir, pieksten
mich in die Seite, lachten und sagten: Du bist der Nächste.
Sie haben mit dem Scheiss aufgehört als ich anfing, auf
Beerdigungen das gleiche zu machen…
Heute Morgen war ich beim Bäcker.
War 5 Minuten im Laden drin. Als ich wieder rauskam, war da eine Politesse und
schrieb gerade einen Strafzettel aus. Also ging ich zu ihr hin und sagte:
„Ach komm, Puppe, kannst du einem Kerl wie mir nicht mal eine Pause gönnen?“
Sie ignorierte mich und schrieb das Ticket weiter aus. Also nannte ich Sie eine
ganz sture Beamtenschnalle. Sie sah mich an und begann ein weiteres Ticket für
abgefahrene Reifen zu schreiben! Also nannte ich sie eine blöde Schlampe.
Da begann sie ein drittes Ticket zu schreiben! So ging es die nächsten 20
Minuten
weiter. Je mehr ich sie beleidigte, je mehr Tickets schrieb sie aus.
Mir war das egal … mein Auto war ja um die Ecke geparkt…
Zwei Schwule machen einen Spaziergang durch den Zoo und kommen am Gorillakäfig
vorbei. Das Gorillamännchen hat eine mordsmäßige Latte und der eine Schwule kann
es nicht unterlassen, in den Käfig zu greifen und sie zu berühren. Plötzlich
greift der Gorilla zu, reißt ihn in den Käfig und nimmt ihn sechs Stunden brutal
durch. Anschließend wirft er ihn über das Gitter und der Schwule wird ins
Krankenhaus gebracht. Am Tag darauf besucht ihn sein Freund und fragt ihn:
„Bist Du verletzt?“ Er antwortet entrüstet: „Ob ich verletzt bin? Er hat nicht
angerufen, er hat nicht geschrieben. Und du fragst, ob ich verletzt bin…???“
Mathematikprüfung in der Schule:
Frage: „Wie oft kann man 7 von 48 abziehen und wieviel bleibt danach übrig?“
Antwort: „Man kann 7 von 48 abziehen so oft man will und es bleibt
jedesmal 41 übrig.“
„Was meinen sie“, fragte der Professor die Studentin „welches Geschlecht
steckte wohl einst in diesem Skelett hier ?“
Studentin: " Das männliche ?"
Professor: „Zuweilen, zuweilen !“
Eine Emanze faucht einen Herrn an, der ihr die Tür aufhält:
„Bloß weil ich eine Frau bin, brauchen Sie mir nicht die Tür aufzuhalten.“
„Ich mache es ja nicht wegen Ihres Geschlechts, sondern wegen Ihres Alters!“