Remember the book „Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus“ , and your
own literary attempts in college? This is hilarious, if the limited
questionable language doesn’t bother you.
Well, here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an
American University.
„Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person
sitting
to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read
what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent.
There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must
be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion
has been reached.“
The following was actually turned in by two of the English students:
Rebecca -last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.
STORY:
(First, paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep
her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she
thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So
chamomile was out of the question.
(Second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17, he said into his transgalactic
communicator.
„Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…“ But before
he
could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted
a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had
ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. „Congress Passes
Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,“ Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored
her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days
had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the
beautiful things around her. „Why must one lose one’s innocence to
become a woman?“ she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mother ship launched the first
of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had
left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the
passage
of the treaty, the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile
entered
the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt
the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie
and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty!
Let’s blow 'em out of the sky!"
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. „Oh shall I have
chamomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F*CKING TEA?? Oh no, I’m
such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.“
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
(Gary)
Bitch.
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
(Gary)
Slut.
(Rebecca)
Get f*cked.
(Gary)
Eat shit.
(Rebecca)
F*CK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
**********************************************
(Teacher)
„A+ … I really liked this one.“