How to treat men! (ENGL)

Freizeit & Hobby Witze
1

As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death’s agony
was suddenly pushed
aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade
chocolate chip
cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning
against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the
bedroom, and with
intense concentration, supported himself down the
stairs, gripping the
railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned
against the door
frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen. There,
spread out upon
newspapers on the kitchen table were literally
HUNDREDS of his favorite
chocolate chip cookies! Was it heaven? Or, was it one
final act of heroic
love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy
man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
toward the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on
the edge of the
table. The aged and withered hand quaveringly made its
way to a cookie
near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft
dough actually made the
pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched
lips parted; the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth;
seemingly bringing
him back to life. What, then, was this sudden stinging
that caused his
hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still
holding the spatula she
had just used to smack his hand.

„Stay out of those,“ she said, „they’re for the
funeral.“

2

Thanks, Sian, that made my day.
And I know EXACTLY the person who’ll get this one, framed with little crumbs…
Cheers,
Elke

PW:

There was a farmer that had four daughters. One night he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said,
„My name is Freddy.
I’ve come to pick up Betty.
We’re going out for spaghetti.
I hope she’s ready.“

The farmer thought that this was cute so he let them go out. Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said,
„My name is Vance.
I’ve come for Nance.
We’re going to a dance.
Is she ready by chance?“

Again the farmer thought this was cute and let them go. Soon another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said,
„My name is Moe.
I’m here to get Flo.
We’re going to a show.
Is she ready to go?“

Again the farmer was amused and let them go. Again there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began,
„My name is Chuck.“

The farmer shot him.

3

„My name is Chuck.“
The farmer shot him.

So much the pity! Now I never get a chance to know the girls name!
Greez
Eckard.

4

my pleasure eklastic :wink:
PW

Why Women are the Luckier Sex Part 3

  1. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.

  2. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

  3. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

  4. If we’re dumb, some people will find it cute.

  5. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

  6. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

  7. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we’re aware that we look like an idiot.

  8. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

  9. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

  10. Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

  11. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

  12. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

5

Dear Eckard,

„My name is Chuck.“
The farmer shot him.

So much the pity! Now I never get a chance to know the girls
name!

So litte imagination!

I offer: Dag
short for Daggi (I hope she doesn’t read this and end up hitting me…)
…
Salutations!
Elke

DJ: (duty joke)
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

„House,“ in French, is feminine - „la maison.“
„Pencil,“ in French, is masculine „le crayon.“

One puzzled student asked, „What gender is Computer?“

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn’t in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether Computer should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The boy’s group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender („la computer“), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine(„le computer“), because:

  1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on;
  2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless;
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you’d waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
6

Idealmaße eines Mannes
Was sind die Idealmaße eines Mannes?

30-80-40

Dreißig Millionen Euro, 80 Jahre alt, 40 Grad Fieber!