The Palestinian homicide/suicide bombers from the Islamic Jihad, Hamas, and Arafat`s terrorist groups that blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins when they reach heaven.
Martin Bodek has 72 questions on how this whole virgin thing works.
- What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
- What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
- If he`s gay, does he get male virgins?
- What if he`s celibate? What does he get?
- What if he hasn`t reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
- If he`s bi, does he get 36 of each?
- If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
- What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-deux?
- Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
- What if he
s ugly or smells bad and the virgins don
t want anything to do with him? - Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
- Is there an age of consent?
- When they`re deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they " born again" ?
- Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
- If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
- Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they`re not satisfied?
- Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
- What if the bomber`s into animals? Does he get accommodated?
- Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
- If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
- What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
- Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
- If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
- If he`s a catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
- Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
- Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
- Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond`s home run record?
- If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
- Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn`t go off?
- Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
- If she`s a lesbian, do they " convert" the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
- Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
- If so, are there 72 available?
- If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
- If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
- Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
- Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
- Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
- Do the bombers go broke on Valentine`s Day?
- If he`s monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
- What if he doesn`t like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
- Eternity is long, and eventually he`ll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
- How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
- Is he allowed to covet his neighbor`s virgins?
- Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
- If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she`s unhappy?
- What should he say if one of the virgins asks " Does this Burka make me look fat?"
- If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
- How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
- Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn`t know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
- Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
- Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
- If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
- Wouldn
t it be interesting if they
re virgins because they`re ugly? - So is it 72 Muslim girls or like 1 virgin from every culture?
- Wouldn`t it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
- What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
- When he gets home, does he have to say " How was your day?" to all 72 virgins?
- Do they have counseling for sexual addiction in paradise?
- If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
- They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
- Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
- If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
- Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
- Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
- What if all the king
s horses and all the king
s men can`t put the bomber together again? - Is " not tonight, dear, I have a headache" a valid excuse in paradise?
- Do the virgins come with a warranty?
- If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
- What do you call a lifetime warranty if you`re dead?
- Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
- Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets?