Hallo,
Ich brauche dringend einen lustigen witz auf englisch,er sollte auch nicht so lang sein wenns geht…
Danke schonmal im vorraus für eure antworten
lg Tobi
War vor kurzem hier:
Ein Deutscher in einem Restaurant in England:
„i would like to have a bloody steak.“
darauf der ober: „do you want some fucking potatoes with it?“
Hier sind ein paar…
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‚What’s on TV?‘
I said, ‚Dust.‘
And then the fight started…
My wife and I were watching „Who Wants To Be A Millionaire“ while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, „Do you want to have sex?“
„No,“ she answered.
I then said, „Is that your final answer?“
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, „Yes.“
So I said, „Then I’d like to phone a friend.“
And then the fight started…
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, „The weather out there is terrible.“
My loving wife of 5 years replied, „Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?“
And that’s how the fight started…
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, „I AM NOT HAPPY!!!“
So, I looked down at him and said, „Well, then which one are you?“
And then the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‚I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.‘
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started …
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started…
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‚Unbutton your shirt‘. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‚That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me‘ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‚You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.‘
And then the fight started…
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‚Do you know her?‘
‚Yes,‘ I sighed, ‚She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.‘
‚My God!‘ says my wife, ‚who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?‘
And then the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. „I’ll have the steak, medium rare, please.“
He said, „Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?“"
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started…
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replied, ‚Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.‘
And then the fight started…
oder der hier:
Ein Deutscher mit rudimentären Englischkenntnissen im Restaurant in London zum Kellner.
„I become a Steak!“
Hallo,
Ich brauche dringend einen lustigen witz auf englisch,er
sollte auch nicht so lang sein wenns geht…Danke schonmal im vorraus für eure antworten
Hi Tobi,
hier ein Witz, aber erspare mir, dass ich ihn ganz auf Englisch erzähle. Ich bringe daher nur die Pointe fremdsprachlich:
Ein italienischer Maler wird von einem Lord nach England gerufen, um seine 21-jährige Tochter für die Ahnengalerie zu porträtieren. Stellung, Accesoires usw. werden festgelegt und der Lord legt dem Maler bsonders ans Herz: „Paint her with sympathy!“
Das Portrait ist fertig und soll auf dem Stammsitz des Lords feierlich enthüllt werden. Der Vorhang fällt und die entgeisterte Famile erkennt auf dem Bild die wunderschöne Lady auf einem Stuhl sitzend in einem großartigem dekoltierten Kleid. Aber - aus dem Hintergrund erscheint eine haarige Männerhand die im Dekoltee verschwindet und die Brust begrabscht. Der Lord stellt den Maler zur Rede, dieser verteidigt sich indem er behauptet nur das gemalt zu haben, was seine Lordschaft verlangt hat: "You told me: paint her with sympathy! I didnt know ‚sympathy‘, so I looked it up in my dictionary. There it said: Sympathy is: a fellow feeling in the bosom! Et voilà…!
Wolfgang D.
oder der hier:
Ein Deutscher mit rudimentären Englischkenntnissen im
Restaurant in London zum Kellner.
„I become a Steak!“
Ich kenn den so:
„Waiter, when I becom my Steak?“
„I hope never Sir.“
PW:
Ei Medele dingene Srümpf ziehe Falten.
Ei des Medele het gargei Strümpf aah.
Hallo,
Ich brauche dringend einen lustigen witz auf englisch,er
sollte auch nicht so lang sein wenns geht…
Statt: Time heals all wounds…
Time wounds all heels…
Gruß.
Manni
Tiger Woods pulls up to a gas pump in his new BMW on day while on vacation in Ireland.
As the pump attender starts pumping Tiger gets out to go pay.
When he gets out he drops 2 tees.
The Attendee asks „What are those?“
Tiger replies, „They hold my balls when I drive“
Attendee added, „Those guys at BMW think of everything!“
PW: Yoda of Borg am I! Assimilated shall you be! Futile resistance is!
Grüsse
Joshua
Hallo Tobi !
Hier noch ein paar:
What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base?
A flat major.
(=As Dur)
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, „Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?“
„HELLLOOOOOOO…,“ answered the blond. „They’re watch dogs!“
President Bush and his wife Laura are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight’s special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
„The chicken sounds good; I’ll have that,“ Laura says.
The waiter nods and asks, „And the vegetable?“
„Oh,“ replies Laura, „He’ll have the fish.“
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to build bigger and better idiots.
So far, the universe is winning.
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Since I installed a large bear rug near my fireplace, my wife has become more amorous.
She pulls me onto the rug and starts kissing me.
It didn’t add up until I thought about the bear rug.
I think the rug makes her horny.
This is Fur-mat’s Lust Theorem.
„The day Microsoft makes something that doesn’t suck is probably the day they start making vacuum cleaners.“
Two Italian guys in London get in the bus and sit down right behind an elderly woman. It happens that the lady picks up the following:
„Okay, listan: firsta tha big Emma came, thena I came and tha two asses came togetha. Now I came again and thena, onca more, tha two asses. And again, I came. Finally, tha two pees came togetha and I came onca more.“
Very upset the woman turned around: „You bastards, stop that! Here in Britain we do not want to hear such kind of dirty talks in public places.“
Bemused the two Italians looked at each other: „I am very sorry, ma’am, I justa told my fella how ta spell Mississippi.“
If women in Saudi Arabia commit adultery they get stoned, unlike the women in Los Angeles, who get stoned and then commit adultery.
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, „Do these turkeys get any bigger?“
The stock boy replied, „No ma’am, they’re dead.“
Hallo Tobi !
Noch ein langer:
Latest news from the US:
Texas - a public school teacher was arrested today at Bergstrom International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
„Al-gebra is a problem for us“, Rumsfeld said. „They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like x and y and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle.“
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, „If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.“ White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president…
Hallo Tobi !
Und noch ein langer, nicht mehr ganz so englisch:
An italian tourist:
One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.
So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.
I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: „Peace on you“. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
Hallo Tobi !
Und zum Schluss noch einer noch mehr nicht ganz so englisch:
Two strangers meet in London. They start a conversation but they usually have to use their dictionary quite often.
- Hello, Sir! How goes it you?
- Oh, thank you for the afterquestion.
- Are your already long here?
- No, first a pair days. Im not out London.
- Thunderweather, that overrushes me, you see not so out.
- That can yes beforecome. But now what other: my hairs stood to mountains as I the traffic saw. So much cars gives it here.
- You are heavy on the woodway if you believe that in London horsedroveworks go.
- Will we now drink a beer? My throat is outdried. But look, there is a guesthouse, let us there man go!
- That is a good idea. Equal goes it loose, I will only my shoeband close.
- Here we are. Make me please the door open.
- But there is a beforehangingcastle, the economy is to. How sorry! Then I will go back to the hotel, it is already retard. On againsee!
- Oh, yes, I will too go. I must become my draught to Bristol. Auf wiedersehen!
- Nanu, sie sind Deutscher?
- Ja, sie auch? Das wundert mich aber. Ihr Englisch ist so hervorragend, dass ich es gar nicht bemerkt hätte…
And then they made them me-nothing you-nothing out of the dust.
US-Bürger ist auf Besuch bei einem Freund in China. Im Verlauf von small-talk fragt er ihn nach dem chinesischen Wahlrecht.
„When do you have elections?“
Der so Gefragte errötet leicht und lispelt dann verlegen:
„Well, usually evely molning…“
Gluß
~B
Hallo,
Ich brauche dringend einen lustigen witz auf englisch,er
sollte auch nicht so lang sein wenns geht…
Der Richter fragt den Angeklagten, warum er die Rauferei mit dem Polizisten angefangen hat:
Der Angeklagte:I was drunk like a judge.
Richter: You mean: drunk like a Lord?
Angeklagter: Yes, my Lord!
Ein Ausländer hat kolossale Probleme mit der Englischen Sprache, weil Schrift und Aussprache oftmals total verschieden ist. Als er in der Zeitung liest: Judge pronounced sentence! reist der Ausländer resigniert nach Hause ab.
Ruth rode on my motorbike, directly back of me
I hit a bump at sixty-five and I rode on, ruthlessly
Hallo,
Dankeschön für die vielen witze,
sehr nett von euch
lg tobi
zwecks ich verstehs nicht.
PW: Angela Merkel bewirbt sich um den Firedensnobelpreis, da sie der Ansicht ist, schon viel länger als Obama keinen neuen Krieg angefangen zu haben!
Ach ja, dann gibts da ja noch den guten alten Bush:
Conversation between George W. Bush and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:
Bush: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Rice: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush: Great. Lay it on me.
Rice: Hu is the new leader of China.
Bush: That’s what I want to know.
Rice: That’s what I’m telling you.
Bush: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Rice: Yes.
Bush: I mean the fellow’s name.
Rice: Hu.
Bush: The guy in China.
Rice: Hu.
Bush: The new leader of China.
Rice: Hu.
Bush: The Chinaman!
Rice: Hu is leading China.
Bush: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Rice: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Rice: That’s the man’s name.
Bush: That’s who’s name?
Rice: Yes.
Bush: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Rice: That’s correct.
Bush: Then who is in China?
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir is in China?
Rice: No, sir.
Bush: Then who is?
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: Yassir?
Rice: No, sir.
Bush: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Rice: Kofi?
Bush: No, thanks.
Rice: You want Kofi?
Bush: No.
Rice: You don’t want Kofi.
Bush: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Rice: Kofi?
Bush: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Rice: And call who?
Bush: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Rice: Hu is the guy in China.
Bush: Will you stay out of China?!
Rice: Yes, sir.
Bush: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Rice: Kofi.
Bush: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Condi (picks up the phone): Rice, here.
Bush: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
George leaves…
Another conversation between George W. Bush and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:
To the outside observer, President Bush may have appeared to have handled his meetings in his recent trip to Japan, South Korea and China flawlessly.
However, it can now be said: A great deal of preparation was necessary to pull this off. For one thing, the President had some difficulties focusing on all the strange names he would be encountering.
Here’s a blow-by-blow of the first briefing between him and Condoleezza Rice, the National Security Advisor, to prepare for the trip:
Rice: Mr. President, I need to brief you on some of the key meetings on the trip. I thought we would start by identifying the names of the principal people you will be meeting.
Bush: Good, Condi. Just be easy on me. You know how I struggle with foreign names.
Rice: Yes, sir. In the meeting with Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, you will be hearing a briefing from their Minister Inouye about the American troops stationing issues. Two days later our main focus will be on the meeting with South Korean President Kim Dae-Jung and their military chief, General Doh Noh. In China, you will be hearing a briefing from their Vice Chairman Hu on trade balance and World Trade Organization issues.
Bush: I’m sorry, Condi. Those names just flashed right by. I’m not even sure I heard the names in fact.
Rice (thinking): Mr. President, maybe there’s an easy way to remember the order in which you’ll meet them. Inouye will be first, Doh Noh second and Hu will be up third.
Bush: Wait. Who’s first?
Rice: No sir. Hu’s up third.
Bush: That’s that I want to find out. And who’s up second?
Rice (patiently): No, Hu’s up third.
Bush: I mean the fellow’s name!
Rice: Yes.
Bush: The guy I meet second!
Rice: Doh Noh.
Bush: Why don’t you? I thought you were trying to tell me who was up first.
Rice: No, I wasn’t. Hu is third.
Bush: I certainly don’t know!!
Rice: He is up second!
Bush: Who?
Rice: The other guy.
Bush: What other guy? The guy who’s up first?
Rice: No, Hu’s on third.
Bush: Now, suppose that I’m in this meeting. I’ve got to address him by his name of course. But I don’t know who’s the South Korean military Chief of Staff.
Rice: You’ve almost got it, Mr. President. Doh Noh is the military chief. Hu is the Chinese Vice Chairman.
Bush: „Don’t know,“ you say, is the military chief?
Rice: Now you understand.
Bush: I don’t even know that I’m talkin’ about!
Rice: Well, that’s all you have to do.
Bush: Is to meet I don’t know who.
Rice: Not Hu. Doh Noh.
Bush: Don’t know?
Rice: Naturally!
Bush: Who’s the one?
Rice: No, Hu’s not the one. You’ve got to say, „Doh Noh.“
Bush: I just go up to the top general of the South Korean military, who looks up to us for their very survival. You want me to say, „Minister, don’t know I’m pleased to meet you?“
Rice: Naturally!
Bush: He will won’t be offended? He won’t think I’m a few bamboo shoots shy of a thatched roof?
Rice: Not at all. He’ll be flattered, just like you sometimes are.
Bush (retaining control): Condi, are you taping this conversation for some reason?
Rice: No, sir. It may not be something we want to keep for your Presidential Library.
Bush: So, then who’s the one I’m meeting in Korea?
Rice: Doh Noh. I’m telling you he is up second.
Bush: You’re telling me but you don’t know?
Rice: I do know! Doh Noh.
Bush: What?
Rice: That’s the next trip, the ruins in Thailand.
Bush: Condi, have you been sippin’ somethin’ this mornin’?
Rice (thinking that might be a very good idea): No, sir. Now, of course we are considering signing the trade agreement at this meeting in China.
Bush: Who signs the contract for China?
Rice: Absolutely. Very good!
Bush (slowly touching Rice on the shoulder): Wait! We need to make sure the right man gets credit for this to influence future events. Who gets the credit for this in China?
Rice: All of it. Why not? The man’s entitled to it.
Bush: Who is?
Rice: Yes. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if his assistant minister doesn’t try to horn in on the glory.
Bush: Whose assistant?
Rice: Right. Noh Won.
Bush (staring briefly at Rice, then speaking slowly and evenly): Just so I’ve got this clear, my side meetings are first with the Japanese minister on stationing American troops, then the Korean defense chief on joint military defense, then the Chinese Vice Chairman regarding trade. But I’m still not clear on their names. The Japanese minister –
Rice: Inouye.
Bush: „Either way,“ nothin’. I need to know the man’s name. I think you’re sportin’ with me here. As for the Korean minister, your answer is –
Bush (simultaneously with Rice): DON’T KNOW.
Rice (simultaneously with Bush): DOH NOH.
Bush: Maybe we can take a break from this, Condi.
The National Security Advisor left the room and immediately was confronted by Secretary of State Colin Powell.
Powell: How did it go?
Rice (shaking her head): I don’t know. Frankly, it could go either way, depending on who’s up first.
Powell: Wait. Hu’s up third.
Rice: Try telling the President that.
mfg
Christof
Englischer Zungenbrecher für Anfänger: (for beginners)
Drei Hexen schauen sich drei Swatch Uhren an. Welche Hexe schaut welche Swatch Uhr an?
Und nun das Ganze in englischer Sprache!
Three witches watch three swatch watches. Which witch watch which swatch watch?
Englischer Zungenbrecher für Fortgeschrittene: (advanced english)
Drei geschlechtsumgewandelte Hexen schauen sich drei Swatch Uhrenknöpfe an.
Welche geschlechtsumgewandelte Hexe schaut sich welchen Swatch Uhrenknopf an?
das Ganze wieder in englischer Sprache!
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watch which Swatch watch switch?
Englischer Zungenbrecher im Endstadium: (at the end)
Drei Schweizer Hexen-Schlampen, die sich wünschen geschlechtsumgewandelt zu sein, schauen sich schweizer Swatch Uhrenknöpfe an. Welche schweizer Hexen-Schlampe, die sich wünscht geschlechtsumgewandelt zu sein, schaut sich welche schweizer Swatch Uhrenknöpfe an?
…das ganze in Englisch:
Three swiss witch-bitches, which wished to be switched swiss witch-bitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witch-bitch which wishes to be a switched swiss witch-bitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?
Hallo Tobi3112,
bin neu auf diesem Forum und habe deshalb erst jetzt Deinen Wunsch entdeckt. Wenn mein Witz zu spät kommt, kannst Du ihn ja in der Tiefkühltruhe einfrieren und bei passender Gelegenheit wieder auftauen:
Monday morning in the oval office. Secretay of Defense Mr.Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his weekend report. He concludes by saying “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.” – “OH NO!” the president exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, President Bush looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”
Gruß
Zemionow