Englisch- Hausaufgabe

Sprachen Fremdsprachen
#1

Guten Tag,
ich sollte eine Charakterisierung über einen jungen schreiben und das halt auf Englisch. die Geschichte kennt ihr bestimmt: Moon by Chaim Potok
Zu charakterisieren war halt Moon:

Moon Vinten is the main-person in the story Moon by

Chaim Potok. His real name is Morgan Vinten but he hate

it. So his nickname is Moon because he has a small pale

face, straight black hair and a blue ponytail. It’s

look like the moon.He is thirteen years old and too

small and thin for his age. Also he wear a small silver

ring at his right ear and has dark angry eyes. He likes

rock musik and play the drums in a rock band.If he is

angry, he begin to counts in his mind. His parents told

him that in the following days there will be a boy from

Pakistan. The boy called Ashraf and got free from a

carpet factory in pakistan. He like the beatlles, like

Moon, too. Also he is a drummer but he don’t need a

drum he can also play with his finger’s on the table

for example. Moon don’t like it to allowe a other

person to play his drum. But when ashraf ask him to

play with his drum he allowed it him. He like the music

and record that. As Asrhaf kill by a truck he was

shocked and play his drums to the bongo music which

Ashraf play.His parents are not so sad.

Wie findet ihr das? hab ich fehler?
danke

#2

Guten Tag,
ich sollte eine Charakterisierung über einen jungen schreiben
und das halt auf Englisch. die Geschichte kennt ihr bestimmt:
Moon by Chaim Potok
Zu charakterisieren war halt Moon:

Moon Vinten is the main-person in the story Moon by
main character

Chaim Potok. His real name is Morgan Vinten but he hate

hates

it. So his nickname is Moon because he has a small pale

face, straight black hair and a blue ponytail. It’s

pigtail. It

look like the moon.He is thirteen years old and too

looks

small and thin for his age. Also he wear a small

He also wears a
silver

ring at his right ear and has dark angry eyes. He likes

rock musik and play the drums in a rock band.If he is

plays When he is

angry, he begin to counts in his mind. His parents

begins to count
told

him that in the following days there will be a boy from

Pakistan. The boy called Ashraf and got free from a

is called

carpet factory in pakistan. He like the beatlles, like

Pakistan. He likes the Beatles,

Moon, too. Also he is a drummer but he don’t need a

he doesn’t need a

drum he can also play with his finger’s on the table

as he can play with his fingers on …

for example. Moon don’t like it to allowe a other

doesn’t like to allow another

person to play his drum. But when ashraf ask him to

Ashraf asked

play with his drum he allowed it him. He like the

he allowed him to play it. He likes

music

and record that. As Asrhaf kill by a truck he was

records it. was killed by …

shocked and play his drums to the bongo music which

played

Ashraf play.His parents are not so sad.

played.

Wie findet ihr das? hab ich fehler?
danke

Gefällt mir! Viel Glück und Erfolg!

#3

Guten Tag,
ich sollte eine Charakterisierung über einen jungen schreiben
und das halt auf Englisch. die Geschichte kennt ihr bestimmt:
Moon by Chaim Potok
Zu charakterisieren war halt Moon:

Moon Vinten is the main-person in the story Moon by

Chaim Potok. His real name is Morgan Vinten but he hate (richtig: hates)

it. So his nickname is Moon because he has a small pale

face, straight black hair and a blue ponytail. It’s

look (richtig: it looks) like the moon.He is thirteen years old and too

small and thin for his age. Also he wear (richtig: also he wears) a small silver

ring at his right ear and (he) has dark angry eyes. He likes

rock musik and play (plays) the drums in a rock band.If he is

angry, he begin (begins) to counts (count) in his mind. His parents told

him that in the following days there will be a boy from

Pakistan. (There will be y boy from Pakistan, as his parents tols him). The boy called Ashraf and got free from a

carpet factory in pakistan. He like (likes) the beatlles, like

Moon, too. Also he is a drummer but he don’t (doesn´t) need a

drum he can also play with his finger’s on the table

for example. Moon don’t (doesn´t)like it to allowe (allow) a (an) other

person to play his drum. But when ashraf ask him to

play with his drum he allowed it him. (But when Ashraf asked him to play with his drum, Moon was so kind to allowed him to play). He like (likes) the music

and record that (records it). As Asrhaf kill (was killed) by a truck he was

shocked and play (played) his drums to the bongo music which

Ashraf play (played).His parents are (were)not so sad.

Wie findet ihr das? hab ich fehler?
danke

Hi, sorry ich hatte leider nicht viel zeit mich damit genauer zu befassen, hab aber mal immer in klammern geschrieben, was mit beim ersten lesen so aufgefallen ist. ich hoffe, dass ich helfen konnte.
MfG

#4

Hallo Schlau,

habe Deine Charakterisierung gelesen und finde den Anfang sehr gut, wo Du den Jungen beschreibst. (Leider kenne ich das Buch nicht), aber was mir auffällt ist, dass Du immer wieder das 3.Person Singular „s“ am Verb vergißt, je länger Deine Charakterisierung ist. Bitte überprüfe das nochmal.
Besser wäre auch zu schreiben,
His real name is Morgan Vinten but he hates that name Morgan so he decides to change it into a Nickname. His decision to call himself „Moon“ is due to the fact that his face is small and pale with straight black hair and a blue ponytail.
Hier müsstest Du dann was zu den assoziationen schreiben, die man beim Anblick Moons hat. Vielleicht, dass er mehr wie ein Manga-Held aussieht als wie ein richtiger Junge, beispielsweise.
Es ist schön zu lesen, was er tut, wenn er wütend ist. Wenn Du aus dem Text ablesen kannst, woher die Idee kommt zu zählen, oder beispielsweise, dass ihn dass wieder ruhiger werden läßt (was nachvollziehbar ist), mußt Du das schreiben.
Mir fehlt mehr von Moons Charakter, seine Äussere Erscheinung hast Du schon ganz gut beschrieben.
Was treibt ihn an, Dinge zu tun?
Was ist seine Innere Haltung (Wut, Angst, Ehrgeiz usw.) und warum er so handelt wie er handelt - z. B. Warum er sauer ist, als ihm seine Eltern mitteilen, dass Ashraf bald bei ihnen wohnen wird.
(Hier einige Verbesserungen - meine Korrektur habe ich in GRO?BUCHSTABEN eingefügt)

Moon DOESN’T like ANother person to play ON his drumS. But when ashraf askS him to play ON THEM, MOON allowS it to him.
(WHY? Hier fehlt der innere Beweggrund, dass er seine heiligen Drums anfassen läßt - hatte er mitleid mit dem Leidgeprüften Ashram?)
He likeS the music ASHRAM PLAYS and recordS IT. As Asrhaf IS killED by a truck, MOON was
shocked and playS his drums to the bongo music which
Ashraf playED. (Warum macht er das? ERinnert er sich an den getöteten Jungen oder gibt ihm die Melodie trost, so dass es sich anfühlt, der Junge sei noch da? Das fehlt hier.)
His parents are not so sad. (Warum nicht? Worüber sind sie nicht traurig?Wenn es für die Entwicklung Moons nicht wichtig ist, lass diesen Satz weg, oder beschreibe, was diese Haltung der Eltern in Moon auslöst.)

Hoffe ich konnte wenigstens ein Bisschen helfen.
Viele Grüsse aus dem verschneiten Dortmund,
Evelyn.

#5

Hallo,
ich habe deinen text gelesen und so korrigiert:

Moon Vinten is hero of the story Moon by

Chaim Potok. His real name is Morgan Vinten but he hates

it. So he names himself Moon because he has a small pale

face, straight black hair, a blue ponytail and just

looks like the moon.He is thirteen years old but too

small and thin for his age. He has dark angry eyes
and wears a small silver earring on his right ear.

He likes rock musik and plays the drum in a rock band.If he is

angry, he begins to count in his mind. His parents told

him that in the following days there would be a boy from

Pakistan. The boy was called Ashraf and released from a

carpet factory in pakistan. He liked the beatlles and moon likes it, too. And he is also a drummer but he doesn’t need a

drum because he can play with his finger, for example, by knocking the table.

Moon doesn’t like it to allowe a other

person to play his drum. But when ashraf ask him to

play with his drum he allowed it him. He like the music

and record that. As Asrhaf kill by a truck he was

shocked and play his drums to the bongo music which

Ashraf play.His parents are not so sad.

Wie findet ihr das? hab ich fehler?
danke

#6

Entschuldigung. war noch nicht fertig.
Moon doesn’t like to let other people play his drum. But when ashraf asked him to play his drum he had allowed it. He liked Ashraf’s music

and recorded that. When Asrhaf was killed by a truck he was

shocked and played the bongo music with his drum, which Ashraf had played. His parents were not so sad.

Also eigentlich kenne ich diese geschicht nicht. deswegen habe ich nur deine grammatikfehler korrigiert. Hoffe das dir hilft