Letter of Motivation

Hallo englisch-experten,
wie ich feststellen musste, ist mein LoM auch nach korrektur durch einen native speaker längst nicht perfekt.

Er ist zwar ziemlich lang (1 1/2 seiten) aber vielleicht hat jemand lust und zeit sich ihn mal durchzulesen und mir noch ergänzende hinweise zu geben.

Viel Vergnügen und vielen Dank, Veronika

I hereby wish to state my interest for a place in your Master of Arts programme in European Public Administration.

After graduation from highschool in june 2001, I started studying at the college of public administration in Meißen in september the same year.

During the theory semesters we were prepared for the various demands in public organisations through different courses in the three fields of law, public finances and social sciences. Especially the subject European Law, in which we learned about the historical background of the European Union, the European Institutions and their functioning, the european legislative procedure and material european law, was of special interest to me.

I therefore took the opportunity to attend a voluntary tutorial dealing with the topic “Europe in Germany” which I successfully completed with a seminar paper. In addition I attended several language courses to improve my English and French and to learn Spanish.

Furthermore two practical terms, where the students could gain practical experience built a basic part of my studies at the college of public administration.
Besides the training courses in various local and state authorities in Saxony, I absolved a part of my main training course in the European Bureau of Saxon Local Authorities in Brussels from september 2003 till october 2003. There I was able to apply my knowledge of the functioning of the European Institutions and other regional representations and to broaden my knowledge about the regional policy of the European Union, particularly about the Structural Funds. My duties during this time included especially the gathering of information relevant to local organisations and providing it to the regional and local authorities in Saxony as an article in the weekly newsletter “Brüssel Aktuell”.
This work was both exciting and challenging, as my duties and responsibilities were quite different from those I had before and most tasks had to be accomplished in the French or English language.

The knowledge gained during my studies and the training course in Brussels showed me the deep impact of the European level on every aspect of daily life and confirmed my decision to base my diploma thesis on this interesting field as well as my intention of working professionally in the european sector in the future.

I was therefore glad to be permitted to write my diploma thesis on the topic “The build-up of a German-Polish Administration Network” and to have every support from my professor to realize this project. One of my proudest moments was when I gave a speech on this topic at the meeting “Forum Wegzeichen” in Meißen in April this year, which was followed by the decisive step toward the realization of the network, an agreement to establish an incorporated society signed by about 40 Saxon and Lower Silesian employees of administrations who are interested in transnational cooperation.

After my final examinations in September 2004 I could practice and complement my knowledge in public administration when I started working in the city administration of Bautzen. Firstly in the personnel department and then in the building authority. During this time I could work independently and gain wide experience in cooperation with colleagues and the public. As well as extending my language skills by learning Sorbian, a proudly cherished language speciality of our Lausitz region.

As it is my future goal to work in the european sector I am keenly interested in aquiring more theoretical knowledge and practical skills in this area.
It was in Brussels that I first learned about the opportunity to get a masters degree in European Public Administration from a trainee-colleague, who was an MPA-student at that time. Since he explained to me precisely what I should expect from the programme and what is expected of me, I am convinced that the Master of European Public Administration corresponds well with my future plans and with my qualifications aquired during previous lectures, seminars and work experiences.
After I went through the course structure of your M.A. and read carefully the overview and the objectives of every single course, I was sure that this programme perfectly matches with my interests. Courses concerning the European community law, the current political problems of the European Integration and cross-cultural competence are very fascinating and intriguing to me. Moreover such a postgraduate programme will be beneficial for me in several ways. First of all I can complete my theoretical knowledge about various european-related topics and practice my knowledge of English and French.
Additionally, I was very pleased to find out that the programme includes a period of practical training abroad in a European Union country because I am of the opinion that every academic knowledge gained should be applied and utilized through work experience. Last but not least, there is a growing need for trained and experienced professionals in the european sector and the degree ”Master of European Public Administration” has a very good reputation in this field.

Bearing in mind what, on the one hand, my interests, prospects and qualifications are, and what, on the other hand your postgraduate study programme offers, I am very enthusiastic and eager to undertake this challenge.

Thank you very much for considering my request, I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Hallihallo,

ich bin zwar kein Englisch-Experte, habe aber eine gewisse Übung als Empfänger solcher Schreiben. Entschuldige bitte meine bissigen Kommentare. Sie sind nicht persönlich gemeint. Ich möchte Dir nur den Blick „gegen den Strich“ auf Deinen LoM ermöglichen.
Alles in allem ist der Text noch sehr schwammig. Du solltest deshalb dringend am Inhalt/Aufbau feilen. Nenne Deine Erfolge, Dein Profil und vor allem Deine Erwartungen an das Studium konkret.

Schau Dir mal den an: http://www.englishforums.com/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=97307 (ich finde ihn zwar nicht perfekt. Er bringt seine Vorstellunegn aber ganz gut rüber)

Sprachlich (Fachausdrücke) kann ich Dir nur wenig Rat geben, da ich den Eurokraten-Jargon nicht kenne.

After graduation from highschool in june 2001, I started
studying at the college of public administration in Meißen in
september the same year.

„I started studying“ = ich habe angefangen zu studieren (ohne Erfolg)
=> Bitte keine Geschichten erzählen. Du hast doch schon abgeschlossen. So wie der Satz dasteht heisst er: Ich studiere seit 4 Jahren, habe aber noch keinerlei Abschluss.
besser etwas in der Art: von xx bis xx habe ich xy mit dem Abschluss z studiert.

During the theory semesters we were prepared for the various
demands in public organisations through different courses in
the three fields of law, public finances and social sciences.

We were prepared = man hat uns eingetrichtert. Passive Konstruktionen wirken … passiv.

Especially the subject European Law, in which we learned about
the historical background of the European Union, the European
Institutions and their functioning, the european legislative
procedure and material european law, was of special interest
to me.

In which we learned = wir haben gelernt, d.h. die anderen, ich weniger …
Was of special interest :
Usually „sth. interesting“ means „sth. average“ Wie im Deutschen: Wenn etwas interessant ist, dann hat es für Begeisterung nicht gereicht. Du bist dabei nur nicht eingeschlafen.

I therefore took the opportunity to attend a voluntary
tutorial dealing with the topic “Europe in Germany” which I
successfully completed with a seminar paper.

A seminar paper: Du traust Dich wohl nicht recht den Titel Deiner Arbeit zu nennen?

In addition I
attended several language courses to improve my English and
French and to learn Spanish.

I attended = Ich habe teilgenommen. Teilnehmen kann man auch ohne Erfolg. Wenn in so einem Schreiben nichts vom Erfolg steht, dann war da auch nichts. Was hast Du in den Kursen gelernt? Zertifikate?

Furthermore two practical terms, where the students could gain
practical experience built a basic part of my studies at the
college of public administration.

The students = not me

Besides the training courses in various local and state
authorities in Saxony, I absolved

absolve: Du bist keine Pfarrerin.

a part of my main training
course in the European Bureau of Saxon Local Authorities in
Brussels from september 2003 till october 2003.

Which local authorities (Namen nennen)? Es macht einen Unterschied, ob Du dort für den Hundezüchterverein oder für ein Landesministerium dort warst.

There I was
able to apply my knowledge of the functioning of the European
Institutions and other regional representations and to
broaden my knowledge about the regional policy of the European
Union, particularly about the Structural Funds. My duties

My duties klingt für mich wie „zu meinen (wenig geliebten) Pflichten“
Besser: I was responsible for … .

during this time included especially the gathering of

nicht nur information sammeln, sondern auch sichten und auswerten
gathering and analyzing

information relevant to local organisations and providing it
to the regional and local authorities in Saxony as an article
in the weekly newsletter “Brüssel Aktuell”.

Ja, genau. Erfolge beim Namen nennen. (Vielleicht noch die Adressaten bzw. die Auflage des Newsletters nennen).

This work was both exciting and challenging, as my duties and
responsibilities were quite different from those I had before
and most tasks had to be accomplished in the French or English
language.

Das war doch Dein erster Job? Welche Duties and Responsabilities hattest Du denn zuvor (klar, dass man in Ausbildung Aufgaben hat. Es ist aber auch klar, dass mit Ende der Ausbildung die Herausforderungen grösser werden)? Insofern bekommt „quite different“ einen eigenen Beigeschmack -> den Nebensatz weglassen

The knowledge gained during my studies and the training course
in Brussels showed me the deep impact of the European level on
every aspect of daily life and confirmed my decision to base
my diploma thesis on this interesting field as well as my
intention of working professionally in the european sector in
the future.

I was therefore glad to be permitted to write my diploma
thesis on the topic “The build-up of a German-Polish
Administration Network” and to have every support from my
professor to realize this project.

therefore glad to be permitted *grusel*. Die Zeiten des Untertanenstaates sind vorbei. Danke Deinem Prof für die Unterstützung - aber nicht für die Erlaubnis, eine Prüfungsleistung zu erbringen.

One of my proudest moments
was when I gave a speech on this topic at the meeting “Forum
Wegzeichen” in Meißen

War das von der Landesregierung veranstaltet oder vom örtlichen Hundezüchterverein?

in April this year, which was followed
by the decisive step toward the realization of the network, an
agreement to establish an incorporated society signed by about
40 Saxon and Lower Silesian employees of administrations who
are interested in transnational cooperation.

Hmm, war das eine Gewerkschaftsveranstaltung?

After my final examinations in September 2004

Hattest Du Erfolg? (Bei einer final examination muss man nicht bestehen …)

I could practice

and complement my knowledge in public administration when I
started working in the city administration of Bautzen.

„Could practice“ im Job? Du hast nur geübt aber nichts geleistet? Die Ausbildung hattest Du doch schon hinter Dir?

Firstly
in the personnel department and then in the building
authority. During this time I could work independently and
gain wide experience in cooperation with colleagues and the
public.

„cooperation with collegues“ bitte weglassen (Teamarbeit ist eine Selbstverständlichkeit). Wer das Selbstverständliche betont, hat nichts Aussergewöhnliches zu bieten.

As well as extending my language skills by learning
Sorbian, a proudly cherished language speciality of our
Lausitz region.

gut

As it is my future goal to work in the european sector I am
keenly interested in aquiring more theoretical knowledge and
practical skills in this area.

to achieve a deeper theoretical knowledge/understanding.

It was in Brussels that I first learned about the opportunity
to get a masters degree in European Public Administration from
a trainee-colleague, who was an MPA-student at that time.

Keine Geschichten erzählen.

Since he explained to me precisely what I should expect from
the programme and what is expected of me, I am convinced that
the Master of European Public Administration corresponds well
with my future plans and with my qualifications aquired during
previous lectures, seminars and work experiences.

Hmm ich weiss nicht. Geschichten erzählen hmmm

After I went through the course structure of your M.A. and
read carefully the overview and the objectives of every single
course, I was sure that this programme perfectly matches with
my interests.

Was konkret? Was speziell?

Courses concerning the European community law,

the current political problems of the European Integration and
cross-cultural competence are very fascinating and intriguing
to me.

Das ist wieder sehr allgemein.

Moreover such a postgraduate programme will be

beneficial for me in several ways. First of all I can complete
my theoretical knowledge about various european-related topics

various topics: which topics?

and practice my knowledge of English and French.
Additionally, I was very pleased to find out that the

I was pleased ist in einer Bewerbung anmassend. Auf Deutsch würdest Du ja auch den Satz „Ich war sehr erfreut, ihre Anzeige zu lesen“ seltsam finden. „Erfreut“/Pleased über das Tun und Lassen Anderer sind nur Vorgesetzte.

programme includes a period of practical training abroad in a
European Union country because I am of the opinion that every

because I believe that any academic training should be completed by practical work experience.

academic knowledge gained should be applied and utilized
through work experience. Last but not least, there is a
growing need for trained and experienced professionals in the
european sector and the degree ”Master of European Public
Administration” has a very good reputation in this field.

Das heisst nur, dass die Ausbildung gut ist. Warum willst Du eine gute Ausbildung? Eben. Weil Du eine gute Studentin bist. Und das solltest Du belegen.

Was fehlt:

  • Was willst Du danach machen? Das Studium ist kein Selbstzweck, sondern ein Mittel zum Ziel. Was ist Dein Ziel? Das sollte gleich am Anfang stehen. Daraus ergibt sich alles weitere.

  • Warum willst Du ausgerechnet in dieses Programm (gibt es evtl. andere Anbieter)?

Generell würde ich den Text weniger chronologisch (Geschichten erzählen) aufbauen und mehr Deine Ziele in den Vordergrund stellen.

Viel Glück,

R.

Bearing in mind what, on the one hand, my interests, prospects
and qualifications are, and what, on the other hand your
postgraduate study programme offers, I am very enthusiastic
and eager to undertake this challenge.

Thank you very much for considering my request, I am looking
forward to hearing from you.

Yours sincerely,

Hallo Veronika,

unten noch ein paar kurze Anmerkungen. Sie sind nicht vollständig, ich habe den Text nur kurz überflogen. Nach dem guten Artikel von Baer beschränke ich mich auf einige sprachliche Dinge.

After graduation from highschool in june 2001, I started

„June“ mit großem J.
Außerdem besser: Weniger Substantive, mehr Verben (das gilt generell und zwar für einen guten Stil sowohl in Englisch als auch in Deutsch). Hier nun: „After graduating from highschool…“

studying at the college of public administration in Meißen in

Es ist doch eine FH, oder? Dann: „university of applied sciences“. Mit „college“ stapelst du tief.

september the same year.

„September“ mit großem S.

During the theory semesters we were prepared for the various

„terms“ statt „semesters“ scheint mir gängiger.

demands in public organisations through different courses in
the three fields of law, public finances and social sciences.

Streich die drei Felder, sie sind redundant und unhübsch.

Especially the subject European Law, in which we learned about
the historical background of the European Union, the European
Institutions and their functioning,

Soll „functioning“ „Arbeitsweise“ heißen? Dann besser: „operating principles“.

the european legislative

E uropean.

procedure and material european law, was of special interest

E uropean.

to me.

I therefore took the opportunity to attend a voluntary
tutorial dealing with the topic “Europe in Germany”

Life’s short, so shorten your sentences! „took the opportunity“ klingt aufgeblasen, „attended“ allein reicht.

which I
successfully completed with a seminar paper.

„Term paper“ scheint mir wieder (s.o.) gängiger.

In addition I
attended

Bring Abwechslung rein! Ein simples „took“ statt „attended“ an dieser Stelle vielleicht? :smile:

several language courses to improve my English and
French and to learn Spanish.

Furthermore two practical terms, where the students could gain
practical experience built

Der Nebensatz scheint mir überflüssig, die Bezeichnung „practical terms“ ist m.E. selbsterklärend.

a basic part of my studies at the
college of public administration.

University of applied sciences. Übrigens: Ich würde nach wie vor bei einem direkten Bezug zum Namen der FH den deutschen Namen mit englischer Erklärung in Klammern nehmen.

Besides the training courses in various local and state
authorities in Saxony, I absolved a part of my main training

Nix „absolved“, nimm „took“.

course in the European Bureau of Saxon Local Authorities in
Brussels from september 2003 till october 2003.

„September“ und „October“ -> Großschreibung.
Rein aus dem Bauch würde ich „until“ und nicht „till“ schreiben, da mir Ersteres „schriftenglischer“ scheint.

There I was
able to apply my knowledge of the functioning of the European
Institutions and other regional representations and to
broaden my knowledge about the regional policy of the European
Union, particularly about the Structural Funds.

Ist „structural funds“ ein Eigenname? Ich glaube nicht. Deswegen: klein schreiben.

My duties
during this time included especially the gathering of
information relevant to local organisations and providing it
to the regional and local authorities in Saxony as an article
in the weekly newsletter “Brüssel Aktuell”.
This work was both exciting and challenging, as my duties and
responsibilities were quite different from those I had before
and most tasks had to be accomplished in the French or English
language.

Spar dir das „language“ -> „in French or English.“

The knowledge gained during my studies and the training course
in Brussels showed me the deep impact of the European level on
every aspect of daily life and confirmed my decision to base

„To confirm“ geht hier so nicht. Nimm besser „to encourage“.

my diploma thesis on this interesting field as well as my
intention of working professionally in the european sector in

„working professionally“ ist doppelt gemoppelt. Streich das „professionally“.

„European“ groß.

After my final examinations in September 2004 I could practice
and complement my knowledge in public administration when I
started working in the city administration of Bautzen. Firstly

„Firstly“ klingt für mich schräg. Nimm „first“ (=erst).

in the personnel department and then in the building
authority. During this time I could work independently and

Warum nicht „worked“? „Could work“ ist unnötig.

As it is my future goal to work in the european sector I am

„European“ groß.

keenly interested in aquiring more theoretical knowledge and

„Theoretical“ ist überflüssig.

practical skills in this area.
It was in Brussels that I first learned about the opportunity
to get a masters degree in European Public Administration from

„Master’s degree“ nicht „masters“ - auf jeden Fall stimmt die Encyclopedia Britannica darin mit mir überein: http://www.britannica.com/eb/article?tocId=9002210

Courses concerning the European community law,
the current political problems of the European Integration and
cross-cultural competence are very fascinating and intriguing

Ich würde hier nicht „intriguing“ verwenden. Eine Erzählung kann „intriguing“ sein, ein Mann, eine Situation, ein Lied … aber ein Semesterverzeichnis?? Bei „intriguing“ klingt zumindest für mich immer noch etwas mit, was über rein akademische und kognitive Faszination hinausgeht.

my theoretical knowledge about various european-related topics

Schrieb ich schon, dass „European“ groß geschrieben wird? :wink:

and practice my knowledge of English and French.
Additionally, I was very pleased to find out that the
programme includes a period of practical training abroad in a

Übrigens: „programme“ -> AE, „program“ -> BE.

European Union country

Besser: „European member state“ oder „member state of the European Union“.

european sector and the degree ”Master of European Public

Ähhhh … „European sector“.

Bearing in mind what, on the one hand, my interests, prospects
and qualifications are, and what, on the other hand your
postgraduate study programme offers, I am very enthusiastic
and eager to undertake this challenge.

Sorry, aber hier doch noch einmal etwas Inhaltliches: Dieser Satz ist inhaltsleer. Auf der einen Seite sind deine Interessen etc., auf der anderen Seite ist das Programm - und deswegen bist so begeistert über diese Herausforderung. Da fehlt ein Teil, nämlich der, der sagt, was denn deine Interessen und das Programm verbindet oder wie oder warum …

Grüße
Christiane

hallo,
und vielen, vielen Dank für deine Mühe.
na, da is ja wirklich noch ne menge zu ändern.
ich werde den letter nochmal überarbeiten und deine hinweise einarbeiten.
das schwierigste wird wohl was am aufbau zu ändern.
den link hab ich mir angesehen. hatte ihn bei meinen recherchen auch gefunden und (wie du vielleicht gemerkt hast) schon hier und da ein paar formulierungen … naja, sagen wir … ich hab mich inspirieren lassen.
Also, danke nochmal für so viel Arbeit und Zeit.
(Vielleicht tauchen ja noch fragen auf - während der Überarbeitung.)
Bis dahin, viele Grüße, Veronika