Hallo Englisch-Experten,
könnte jemand diesen motivation letter mal korrekturlesen ? Bitte schnell wenn es geht, vielen Dank im voraus!
Dear Sir or Madam,
In reference to your job advertisement at the “Grenz-Echo” for a team leader in customer relations (2006-06-10), I am interested in this position.
In 2000 I received my university-level graduation at the Robert-Schuman-Institut Eupen. In the department of “Modern languages and media design”, I could develop the skills of leadership and communication, for four years by working with different pupils on different projects like the school newspaper or our school’s environment project.
I also was able to expand my knowledge of English, French, and Dutch, so that I am able to communicate in those languages fluently. The school report which I attached a copy, will further convince you of my outstanding knowledge of German in word an writing.
As conclusion I would like to mention that I always worked with the utmost care, the second attachment (a reference) will show you that an efficient way of working is one of my characteristics.
I would be grateful if you would give me the occasion to convince you of my seriousness and my suitability in a personal interview.
Yours sincerely
Philipp Bancs
Enc.
School report (certified copy)
Reference
Habe selber im Nachhinei noch Fehler/Wortwiederholungen gefunden:
Dear Sir or Madam,
Referring to your job advertisement at the “Grenz-Echo” for a team leader in customer relations (2006-06-10), I am interested in this position.
In 2000 I received my university-level graduation at the “Robert-Schuman-Institut Eupen”.
I could develop the skills of leadership and communication at the department of “Modern languages and media design”, by working with different pupils on different projects like the school newspaper or our school’s environment project.
I also could expand my knowledge of English, French, and Dutch, so that I am able to communicate in those languages fluently. The school report from which I attached a copy, will further convince you of my outstanding knowledge of German in word an writing.
As conclusion I would like to mention that I always worked with the utmost care, the second attachment (a reference) will show you that an efficient way of working is one of my characteristics.
I would be grateful if you would give me the occasion to convince you of my seriousness and my suitability in a personal interview.
Yours sincerely
Philipp Bancs
Enc.
School report (certified copy)
Reference
Hallo,
auf die Schnelle, ohne Versprechen auf Vollständigkeit:
Dear Sir, dear Madam,
In reference to your job advertisement in the “Grenz-Echo” for
a team leader in customer relations (July 10th, 2006), I am
interested in this position. (kann man da zwei Sätze draus machen?)
In 2000 I received my university-level graduation at the
Robert-Schuman-Institut Eupen. During four years at the
department of “Modern :languages and media design”,
I could develop skills of
leadership and communication by working with
others on different projects like the school
newspaper or our school’s environment scheme. (students rather
than pupils/nicht zweimal das gleiche Wort).
I also was able to expand my knowledge of English, French, and
Dutch, so that I am able to communicate in those languages
fluently. The school report (a copy is attached – könnte/sollte man
weglassen) will
further convince you of my outstanding knowledge of German in
word and writing.
The second attachment will attest, that I always work
with the utmost care.
I would be grateful if you would give me the chance to
convince you of my seriousness and my suitability in a
personal interview.
Yours sincerely,
Philipp Bancs
Gruß
Elke
Hallo,
Dear Sir or Madam,
ich bin kein Sprachler, kann also nur aus meiner Erfahrung schöpfen.
Es ist wohl immer noch üblich die Anrede „Dear Sirs“ zu benutzen.
In 2000 I received my university-level graduation at the
Robert-Schuman-Institut Eupen. In the department of “Modern
languages and media design”, I could develop the skills of
leadership and communication, for four years by working with
different pupils on different projects like the school
newspaper or our school’s environment project.
by working, ich würde das „by“ streichen.
pupils on different, ich würde „in“ sagen
I also was able to expand my knowledge of English, French, and
Dutch, so that I am able to communicate in those languages
fluently. The school report which I attached a copy, will
Da fehlt meiner Meinung nach „as“, I attached as a copy.
further convince you of my outstanding knowledge of German in
word an writing.
As conclusion I would like to mention that I always worked
with the utmost care, the second attachment (a reference) will
show you that an efficient way of working is one of my
characteristics.
I would be grateful if you would give me the occasion to
convince you of my seriousness and my suitability in a
personal interview.
Yours sincerely
Philipp Bancs
Enc.
School report (certified copy)
Reference
Es klingt mir einfach zu deutsch, Entschuldigung, das ist wirklich nur ein Gefühl.
Ich wünsche Dir viel Glück und Gruß
Volker
Hallo Philipp,
Dear Sir or Madam,
Ein absolutes No! Da könntest Du genauso gut ‚Liebe Primeln und Gänseblümchen‘ schreiben… 
Wenn es irgendwie geht, versuch den Namen Deines Ansprechpartners rauszukriegen. Auch von ‚Dear Sirs‘ kann ich nur abraten. Ist zufällig eine Frau für die Personalauswahl verantwortlich, landet eine solche Bewerbung schon mal gerne im Rundordner, weil sie von Desinteresse des Bewerbers zeugt. Mehr Lesestoff zum Thema z. B. unter: http://www.handelsblatt.com/Karriere/Ihr-KarriereBer…
Grüße
Renee
Hi Philipp,
nur kurz 2 Sachen…
show you that an efficient way of working is one of my
characteristics.
efficiency is one of my strong points
I would be grateful if you would give me the occasion to
convince you of my seriousness and my suitability in a
personal interview.
statt „occasion“ opportunity
Aber einer meiner Vorschreiber hatte schon Recht - es hoert sich sehr deutsch an…
liebe Gruesse,
Astrid
Quatsch
Dear Sirs
In reference to your job advertisement in the “Grenz-Echo” for a team leader in customer relations (2006-06-10), I am very interested in this position. In 2000 I received my university-level graduation at the Robert-Schuman-Institut Eupen. In the department of „Modern languages and Media design“, I had the opportunity to develop my skills regarding leadership and communication, for four years by working with different pupils on different projects like the school newspaper or our school’s environment project.I also was able to expand my knowledge of English, French, and Dutch, so that I am able to communicate fluently in these languages . The school report of which I have attached a copy, will hopefully convince you of my outstanding knowledge of German. Finally I would like to mention that I have always worked with the utmost care, the second attachment (a reference) will show you that an efficient way of working is one of my characteristics.I would be grateful if you would give me the chance to convince you of my earnest intentions and I wouuld be glad to convey this during an interview.
Yours faithfully
(du kennst ja keine Namen, da geht yours sincerely nicht)
Gruß
Siân