Wieviel Psychologen braucht man, um eine Glühbirne einzuschrauben?
Nur einen - die Glühbirne muss aber auch wirklich wollen!
Und wieviel Biologen?
Nur einen, aber es haben sich 500 beworben.
Gruß vom Wiz
Glühbirne auf Ostfriesisch
Und wie viele Ostfriesen
Fünf
einer steht auf dem Tisch und hält die Glühbirne und die anderen vier drehen den Tisch.
und wie viele sopranistinnen?
eine. sie hält die glühbirne, und die welt dreht sich um sie…
und wie schafft es eine altistin, eine glühbirne zu wechseln?
gar nicht. sie kommt eh nicht so hoch rauf!
gruß,
miranda
Und wie viele Iren?
Fünfzehn
einer hält die glühlampe und 14 saufen solange, bis sich der Raum dreht.
und wieviele microsoft angestellte?
keinen!
microsoft erklärt Dunkelheit© als neuen standard 
Da habe ich auch ein paar:
F: Wie viele Quantentheoretiker braucht man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: Quantentheoretiker können keine Glühbirne wechseln: Wenn sie wissen, wo die Lampenfassung ist können sie den Aufenthaltsort der Glühbirne nicht mehr bestimmen und umgekehrt.
F: Wie viele Astronomen braucht man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: Gar keine: Astronomen bevorzugen die Dunkelheit.
F: Wie viele Radioastronomen braucht man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: Gar keine: Radioastronomen sind am kurzwelligen Zeug nicht interessiert.
F: Wie viele Quantentphysiker braucht man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: 200: 136 um sie in winzige Stücke zu zerschmettern und 64 um diese Stücke zu analysieren.
F: Wieviele IBMer benötigt man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: 8:
Zunächst mal einen Manager, der die Aufgabe an das Birnenteam (Bulb Insertion Team) überträgt.
Ein Mitarbeiter, der einen Bericht an das Management in Rochester (Minnesota) verfaßt.
Einen Mitarbeiter, der die Abstimmung mit dem Sondereinsatzkommando (Special Projects Preview Group) der IBM East Fishkill (New York) organisiert.
Einen Mitarbeiter, der den Kontakt zur Glühbirnenfertigung in Italien aufrechterhält.
Einen Mitarbeiter, der das weltweite Programm für die Teileentsorgung (Discontinued Bulb Disposition Programm) aufzieht und managt.
Einen Mitarbeiter, der den proprietären IBM-Glühbirnen-Adapter entwickelt, weil - im Gegensatz zum Weltstandard - IBM-Glühbirnen entgegen dem Uhrzeigersinn eingedreht werden.
Einen Mitarbeiter, der das 720 Seiten starke Handbuch für IBM Glühbirnen nicht schreibt, nein: nur organisiert.
Und schließlich einen Mitarbeiter, für die Öffentlichkeitsarbeit - insbesondere die noch zu gründende Anwendervereinigung BUG (Bulb User Group)
F: Wieviele Mafiosi benötigt man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: Drei: Zwei um die Glühbirne auszutauschen und einen um die Zeugen zu beseitigen.
F: Wie viele Windows-Anwender braucht man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: 100: 1 um die Glühbirne reinzudrehen und 99 um die Fehlermeldungen wegzuklicken.
F: Wieviele Leute von Microsoft benötigt man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: Vier:
Der erste: „Nennen sie mir bitte Ihre Lizenznummer.“
Der zweite: „Haben sie schon einen Neustart versucht?“
Der dritte: „Haben sie schon eine Neuinstallation versucht?“
Der vierte: „Das Problem muß bei Ihnen liegen, bei uns leuchtet die Birne einwandfrei.“
A2: Acht: Einer wechselt die Glühbirne aus, und sieben stellen sicher, daß Microsoft 2 Cent für jede ausgewechselte Birne in der Welt bekommt.
A3: Vier:
Der erste ersetzt die eigentliche Birne.
Der zweite ändert die Fassung so, daß Netscape-Glühbirnen nicht reinpassen.
Der dritte baut eine Kurzschlußautomatik ein, die ausgelöst wird, wenn jemand eine Glühbirne von Sun einsetzen will.
Der vierte überzeugt das amerikanische Justizministerium, daß das alles fairer Wettbewerb ist.
A4: Keinen, Microsoft ernennt die Dunkelheit zum Industriestandard!
A5: Keinen, sie rufen bei Intel an, weil es ein Hardwareproblem ist.
F: Wieviele Optimisten benötigt man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: Keinen: sie sind davon überzeugt, daß sie in Kürze wieder leuchten wird.
F: Wieviele Pessimisten benötigt man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: Keinen: die alte sitzt wahrscheinlich zu fest drin.
A2: Keinen: Die neue wird wahrscheinlich auch nicht leuchten.
F: Wieviele Professoren benötigt man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: Keinen: dafür sind Studenten da.
A2: Fünf:
Einen, um den Förderungsantrag zu stellen.
Einen für das mathematische Modell.
Einen, um den Forschungsbericht zu schreiben
Einen, um den Bericht einzureichen
Einen, um einen Studenten zu finden, der die Arbeit macht.
F: Wieviele Wirtschaftswissenschaftler benötigt man zum Wechseln einer Glühbirne?
A: Wie viele brauchte man letztes Jahr?
A2: Keinen: es gibt keinen Grund, die Glühbirne auszuwechseln. Alle Bedingungen zum Leuchten sind erfüllt. Aktuelle Gutachten zeigen eine zunehmendes Vertrauen darin, daß die Glühbirne wieder anfangen wird, zu leuchten.
A2: Keinen, denn schau! Sie wird heller! Sie wird definitiv heller!
A3: Keinen: wenn die Glühbirne wirklich hätte ausgewechselt werden müssen, dann hätten das die Kräfte des Marktes schon gemacht.
A4: Keinen: wenn nur die Regierung die Glühbirne in Ruhe ließe, würde sie sich von selbst einschrauben.
F: Wie viele Grüne braucht man, um eine Glühbirne zu wechseln?
A: Sechs: Einer wechselt die Glühbirne, während die anderen fünf über die sichere Endlagerung der verbrauchten Birne diskutieren.
F: Wie viele Surrealisten braucht man, um eine Glühbirne zu wechseln?
A: Zwei: Einen, der die Giraffe hält und den anderen, der die Badewanne mit grellfarbenen Maschinenteilen füllt.
Q: How many Irish blokes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 2: One to hold the lightbulb, and one to drink until the room spins.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1-3, alpha = .05
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an earlier riddle.
Q: How many numerical analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 0.9973 after the first three iterations.
Q: How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It really doesn’t matter, since they’d rather knot.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None: It’s left to the reader as an exercise.
A2: Just one: once you’ve managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with.
A3: In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb:
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k + 1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
A2: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthropologist to pull away the ladder.
A3: One - plus or minus three (small sample size).
(Notes: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students’ exam answers, it depends on whether the lightbulb is negatively or positively screwed.)
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. (Has to do with Goedel’s incompleteness theorem)
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: The answer is intuitively obvious.
Q: How many mathematical logicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: They can’t do it, but they can easily prove that it can be done.
Q: How many classical geometers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: You can’t do it with a straight edge and a compass.
Q: How many analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.
Q: How many number theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don’t know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to figure out how to get rid of the remainder.
Q: „How many nanoassemblers does it take to change a light bulb?“
A: „Back of the envelope estimates indicate that to convert a nickel iron asteroid massing 10^9 tonnes into a solar reflector capable of handling the lighting requirements of all mankind for the next 50 thousand years would take 10^28 assemblers 12.9 days, assuming the asteroid was already in gesynchronous orbit…“
A2: Invalid question really, with nanoassemblers we will modify our eyeballs so that we can see in the dark 
Q: How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Two: One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Once they have observed it is out it has already changed.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don’t know where the light bulb is.
Q: How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: One to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked lightbulb, two to install it.
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten: One to change the bulb, and nine to argue how their own bulb gives better colour.
A2: None: Astronomers aren’t afraid of the dark.
A3: See the FAQs
„What sort of light bulb should I buy?“
„Should I start with a candle?“
„Where should I buy my light bulb?“
„Where NOT to buy a light bulb.“
„What type of light bulb to avoid?“
„What will I be able to see with my bulb?“
„How do I deal with telescope-pollution?“
„Can I buy a bulb for a friend?“
„Can I use my bulb in the daytime?“
A4: FAQ addendums, approximately four pages, each:
„The new microwave pumped plasma lamp vs. a bank of krypton incandescents for solar simulation experiments.“
„The red LED flashlight vs. the conventional flashlight with removable red filter.“
„The different light pollution filters and the lights they can filter.“
„Directed beams for convincing automatic streetlights that it is daytime.“
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, especially if it is burned out.
A2: One more than the number of people who vote to keep the street lights the same.
A3: One eloquent speaker at a town meeting.
A4: Just one, if he can shoot straight. (Can I get mounting rings to fit an air rifle on top of my 8" Schmidt-cass telescopic sight??). (Is it sporting to shoot off a field tripod, anyway?!)
A5: 5: One to measure it’s black body radiation at room tempreature to verify it is totally dead, one to lobby government for money to buy another one, one to write the environmental impact statement, one to record the steps during the change for later publication in Scientific American and one to shell out the money for a new one, because the government turned you down.
Q: How many sci.astro.amateur posters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1343:
1 to change the light bulb and to post to news:sci.astro.amateur that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
109 to post that news:sci.astro.amateur is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this newsgroup saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add „Me Too.“
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the „Me Too’s“ to say, „Me Three.“
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
1 to shoot out the light bulb the next night.
24 to complain about the light pollution caused by the light bulb.
137 people who write to complain about the secondary spectrum of the light bulb?
5 folks who made 4,532 posts to complain about false advertising of that secondary spectrum…
1 zetaspeaker to argue that there isn’t a lightbulb, but…
Q: How many astronomers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Astronomers have no time for screwing!
A2: Light…ick!
A3: 3: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the receptacle and one to write the save Stellafane petition.
Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he’ll change it three times, plot a straight line through the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.
Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four: One to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One: He designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
Q: How many fruit flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: Fruit flies don’t screw in light bulbs, they screw in fruit.
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: That is what their students are for.
A2: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.
Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five: one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.
Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it’ll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it’ll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A2: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A3: Two and a professor to take credit.
A4: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A5: I don’t know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer’s money, and I’m sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb in the South?
A: At Vanderbilt it takes two: One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any ivy leaguer.
At Georgia it takes three: One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Georgia Tech and get instructions.
At Florida it takes four: One to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get high off the old one.
At Alabama it takes five: One to change it, two to talk about how Bear would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Auburn students.
At Ole Miss it takes six: One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.
At LSU it takes seven. And each one gets credit for four semester hours for it.
At Kentucky it takes eight: One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.
At Tennessee it takes ten: Two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how Phillip Fulmer is too stupid to do it.
At Mississippi State it takes fifteen: One to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to shout, „GO TO HELL OLE MISS, GO TO HELL!!!“
At Auburn it takes 100: One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Bama, and 50 who realize it’s all a lie.
At South Carolina it takes 80,000: One to screw it in, and 79,999 to discuss how this will finally be the year they have a good football team.
At Arkansas it takes none. There is no electricity in Arkansas.
Q: How many engineering students does it take to screw in a lightbulb:
A: At Virginia Tech it takes one, dressed in orange and maroon: One to change the bulb with a heat transfer book in one hand, and the hand changing the bulb also holding a drink. Then spitting the old bulb at UVA engineers.