Korrekturlesen (Englisch)

Sprachen Fremdsprachen
#1

Hallo Experten!

anbei ein Bewerbungsschreiben mit Lebenslauf dass sicher viele Fehler noch enthält, ich wäre sehr dankbar wenn ihr diese korrigieren könntet.

Student Recruitment Office
Faculty of Economics and Business Administration
Universiteit Maastricht
P.O. Box 616
6200 MD Maastricht
The Netherlands

Motivation letter: International Business

Dear Sir or Madam,

„Lost are only those, who give up themselves“, this old proverb can symbolise one of my charater traits: Tenaciousty. A barrier is no reason to stop, but one to continue, therefore I sent this in any case belated motivation letter as fast as possible.

Several months ago, my dutch teacher recommended me the highly accriditated Faculty of Economics and Business Administration at the University of Maastricht, he also gave me the current study programme but forgot to indicate that the application´s deadline was on April 1.

Due to the fact that my familiar background could be an epitome of “internationalism”, it is my conviction that I would be an enriching student of the Universiy of Maastricht: Born in Iraq, and after after visiting 4 different school in Germany, I decided to continue my educational carrer in the trilingual Belgium, where I spent 6 years at an boarding school.

Here, with pupils from all over Europe, I learned appreciate the old virtues of “discipline and order”, futhermore a developement of an european spirit was always encoraged, this is already visible in the establishment´s name, which wears the name of one of Europe´s mental father: Robert Schuman.

I early recognised the importance of communication, so I decided to go to the department of modern languages and media design at secondary school. For the last 4 years, we mainly worked in groups in our courses, so that we could developed the necessary skills for productive teamwork. In those groups, I noticed my talent of leadership at first, and when it was about to presentate the results of our work, I remarked my second new ability: Rhetoric. A rhetoric challenge confirmed my observation: In march 2006, I was voted by hundreds of spectators as their favourite, and won the audience price.

I am well up to date, that I actually need an IELTS or TOEFL certificate, but with reference to my English knowledge which I developed in the department of modern languages, such a proof would be unnecessary, but if it is really willy-nilly, I am ready to fetch later.

In conclusion I would like to inform you that a move to Maastricht would not at all be involving for me, in view of the fact, that I fluently speak the dutch language and that I already am a citizen of the “Euregio”.

I am persuaded that at a personal Interview you could have the opportunity of discovering my seriousness, which whould convict you that I fullfill the profile which is requested at the University of Maastricht.

I hope to get the opportunity to speak with you soon.

Yours sincerely
Philipp Schmitz

Enc
Latest school report (copy)
Comments of the teachers (copy)
Article about the rhetoric competition (copy)
Certificate for elemental knowledge of the dutch language (copy)

NAME & ADDRES

Philipp Schmitz
Klaasweg 11
50957 Vierdorf (Germany)

SCHOOL CAREER

2000 – 2006 Robert Schuman Internat (& Institut) B-4700 Eupen

 Department of modern languages and media design
 University-level graduation in June 2006
1998 – 2000 Realschule Herkenrath D-51429 Berg. Gladbach
1997 – 1998 Grundschule Dürscheid D-51515 Kürten

1996 – 1997 Franziskusschule D-50968 Köln

1994 – 1996 Mohnwegschule Refrath D-51427 Refrath
WORK EXPERIENCE

March 2005/06: practical training in the Belgian German-speaking radio channel BRF (Eupen)
 Editor/reporter for the regional reporting

June - August 2005 and January 2006: „Limbach und Höller Berg. Gladbach GmbH“
 Execution of evictions and removals

August – October 2005: “Coco Pancho Cocktail Bar” (Cologne)
 Employement as waiter and entertainer
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

LANGUAGES

 German (as mother tongue)
 English (inherently safe)
 Dutch (excellent auditive and written comprehension)
 French (inherently safe, daily use for 6 years)
 Spanish (good comprehension)

INTEREST

 Athletics (succesful participations in competitions)
 Economics (private trainee by TV and magazins)
 Foreign Languages/other cultures

VARIOUS

 German nationality
REFERENCES

Available upon request

#2

Hi Philipp,
Hier sind meine Anmerkungen zu deiner Bewerbung. Hast Du die eigentlich aus dem Deutschen übersetzt oder gleich auf Englisch verfasst? Es kam mir so vor, als hättest du das übersetzt und das ist keine gute Idee! Da fällt man nämlich viel leichter in die Falle des wörtlichen Übersetzens…schreib so was lieber gleich auf Englisch.
Da ich nicht weiß, wie das hier mit den Farben funnktioniert, hab ich meine Anmerkungen nur in Klammern gesetzt, ich dachte, man kann den Text einfach aus Word reinkopieren, aber da gingen die Farben verloren, grummel.Die Rechtschreibfehler und Tippfehler sind deswegen jetzt in Großbuchstaben, die kannst du ja mal selbst nachgucken. Sonst muss ich dir das als Mail schicken.
Ansonsten: Sprachen und Nationalitäten schreibt man immer groß!
Bei dem Sprichwort am Anfang frage ich mich, woher die englische Version kommt, ich hab bei Google nur 11Treffer mit zweifelhafter Quelle gehabt und bin persönlich davon überzeugt, dass da kein Komma stehen darf…aber na ja. Musst du selbst wissen, ob Du das Risiko eingehst, gleich am Briefanfang…
Ja und dann wünsch ich Dir viel Glück. Hoffe, ich konnte dir helfen.
Viele Grüße
Annika

Motivation letter: International Business

Dear Sir or Madam,

„Lost are only those, who give up themselves“, this old proverb can symbolise (symbolises. Das Hilfsverb “können” wird nicht wie im Deutsche benutzt, wenn etwas wirklich Tatsache ist. Sonst nimm “could”) one of my charater traits: Tenaciousty (tenacity. Und ich würd lieber einen Gedankenstrich nehmen, im Englischen werden Doppelpunkte nicht so oft benutzt, das betet unsere Dozentin uns immer wieder vor). A barrier is no reason to stop, but one to continue, (oder eher: A barrier is not a reason to stop but to continue”, dann wär diese komische Konstruktion mit dem “one” umgangen) therefore I sent this in any case belated motivation letter as fast as possible. (Klingt deutsch. Wie wärs mit “…that is why I send this motivation letter to you although I know I missed the deadline.)

Several months ago, my dutch Dutch teacher recommended to me the highly accriditated (accredited) Faculty of Economics and Business Administration at the University of Maastricht, he also gave me the current study programme but forgot to indicate that the application´s deadline (“the deadline for the application”? Ich weiß nicht, ob das Genitiv-s da gehen würde) was on April 1.

Due to the fact that my familiar background (family background =>familiar heißt “vertraut”)could be an epitome of “internationalism”, it is my conviction (“I am convinced” – klingt viel idiomatischer und nicht so “übersetzt”) that I would be an enriching (“ideal”? das enriching klingt komisch)student of the Universiy of Maastricht: Born in Iraq, and AFTER after visiting (“attending” sagt man da wohl, du warst ja nicht zu Besuch) 4 different SCHOOL in Germany, I decided to continue my educational CARRER in the (ohne Artikel) trilingual Belgium, where I spent 6 years at an (das “n” ist da falsch) boarding school.

Here, with pupils from all over Europe, I learned to appreciate the old virtues of “discipline and order”, FURTHERMORE a developement of an EUROPEAN spirit was always ENCORAGED, this is already visible in the establishment´s name, which wears the name of one of Europe´s mental father: Robert Schuman. (hm…nach dem ersten Satzteil weiter mit “and we were always encouraged to see ourselves as conscious Europeans – this is already visible in the school´s name, which bears the name of one of Europe´s early supporters – Robert Schuman.” So auf die Schnelle fällt mir da nix besseres ein, ob man “spiritual father” sagen kann, bezweifle ich, das klingt nach Religion, und mit “mental” muss man ganz vorsichtig sein, denn das kann auch “geisteskrank” heißen…)

I early recognised the importance of communication, so I decided to go to the department of modern languages and media design at secondary school. For the last 4 years, we mainly worked in groups in our courses, so that we could developed (entweder das could weg oder das -ed) the necessary skills for productive teamwork. In those groups, I noticed my talent of leadership at first, and when it was about to PRESENTATE (present) the results of our work, I remarked my second new ability: Rhetoric. (It was in those groups that I first became aware of my leadership talent and when it was time to present the results of our work I noticed a second new skill – rhetoric. (remark ist eher Anmerkungen machen)) A rhetoric challenge confirmed my observation: In march (in March (nach Doppelpunkt im Englischen klein schreiben, aber Monatsnamen groß))2006, I was voted by hundreds of spectators as their favourite, and won the audience price. (I was voted the favourite by hundreds of spectators and won the audience price.)

I am well up to date (I am well aware of the fact that I …), that I actually need an IELTS or TOEFL certificate, but with reference to my English knowledge which I developed in the department of modern languages, such a proof would be unnecessary, but if it is really willy-nilly, I am ready to fetch later. (…but due to the English knowledge that I gained in the department of modern languages such a certificate should not be necessary. However, if it is really obligatory I am ready to pass the IELTS or TOEFL test later. (willy-nilly ist laut Wörterbuch ein Adverb))

In conclusion I would like to inform you that a move to Maastricht would not at all be involving for me, in view of the fact, that I fluently speak the dutch language and that I already am a citizen of the “Euregio”. (In conclusion, I would like to assure you that moving to Maastricht would be no problem to me at all in view of the fact that I fluently speak Dutch and… ( fehlt da nicht ein “n” bei Euroregio? Oder was soll das sein?))

I am persuaded (persuaded ist eher, wenn jemand anders dich überzeugt hat) that at a personal Interview you could have the opportunity of discovering my seriousness, which whould convict you that I fullfill the profile which is requested at the University of Maastricht. (I am convinced that a personal interview will give you the opportunity of satisfying yourself as to my seriousness (oder respectability?), which will show you that I fulfil the profile that is requested at the University of Maastricht. (oder that my qualifications meet the requirements of …))

I hope to get the opportunity to speak with (to) you soon.

Yours sincerely
Philipp Schmitz

Enc
Latest school report (copy)
Comments of the teachers (copy)
Article about the rhetoric competition (copy)
Certificate for elemental knowledge of the dutch (Dutch) language (copy)

NAME & ADDRES (Address)

Philipp Schmitz
Klaasweg 11
50957 Vierdorf (Germany)

SCHOOL CAREER (Education?)

2000 – 2006 Robert Schuman Internat (& Institut) B-4700 Eupen

Department of modern languages and media design
 University-level graduation in June 2006
1998 – 2000 Realschule Herkenrath D-51429 Berg. Gladbach
1997 – 1998 Grundschule Dürscheid D-51515 Kürten

1996 – 1997 Franziskusschule D-50968 Köln (eventuell Cologne, aber ich bin mir nicht sicher, ob das sein muss)

1994 – 1996 Mohnwegschule Refrath D-51427 Refrath
WORK EXPERIENCE

March 2005/06: practical training in the Belgian German-speaking radio channel BRF (Eupen)
 Editor/reporter for the regional reporting

June - August 2005 and January 2006: „Limbach und Höller Berg. Gladbach GmbH“
Execution of evictions and removals

August – October 2005: “Coco Pancho Cocktail Bar” (Cologne)
 EMPLOYEMENT as waiter and entertainer
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

LANGUAGES

German (as mother tongue)
English (inherently safe) (Safe??? Nimm doch “fluent”, es würd mich doch seeeehr wundern, wenn man da “safe” sagen kann)
Dutch (excellent auditive and written comprehension)
 French (inherently safe (s.o.), daily use for 6 years)
Spanish (good comprehension)

INTEREST (ich würd Plural nehmen)

Athletics (succesful participations in competitions)
Economics (private trainee by TV and magazins)
Foreign Languages/other cultures

VARIOUS (Other / Miscellaneous)

German nationality
REFERENCES

Available upon request

#3

Hi Philipp,
Hier sind meine Anmerkungen zu deiner Bewerbung. Hast Du die
eigentlich aus dem Deutschen übersetzt oder gleich auf
Englisch verfasst?

Hallo Anna,

vielen Dank für deine Hilfe! Nein, ich habe den Brief nicht vorgeschrieben, aber ich habe schon oft bemerkt, dass ich die Tendenz habe deutsch-ähnliche Sätze zu formulieren.

Toll dass du dich an die Arbeit getraut hast, die meisten anderen haben offensichtlich - angesichts der Dokumentgröße - davor zurückgeschreckt.

Viele Grüße

Philipp

#4

Hallo Anna,

Natürlich meinte ich „Annika“, nicht ?

#5

Hier die Verbesserung des Briefes ohne CV:

Motivation letter: International Business

Dear Sir or Madam,

„Lost are only those, who give up themselves“, this old proverb symbolises one of my character traits - tenacity. A barrier is not a reason to stop but to continue, that is why I send this motivation letter to you although I know I missed the deadline.

Several months ago, my Dutch teacher recommended to me the highly accredited Faculty of Economics and Business Administration at the University of Maastricht, he also gave me the current study programme but forgot to indicate that the deadline for the application” was on April 1.

Due to the fact that my family background could be an epitome of “internationalism”, I am convinced” that I would be an enriching student of the University of Maastricht: Born in Iraq, and after 4 different schools in Germany, I decided to continue my educational career in trilingual Belgium, where I spent 6 years at a boarding school.

Here, with pupils from all over Europe, I learned to appreciate the old virtues of “discipline and order”, and we were always encouraged to see ourselves as conscious Europeans – this is already visible in the school’s name, which bears the name of one of Europe’s early supporters – Robert Schuman.

I early recognised the importance of communication, so I decided to go to the department of modern languages and media design at secondary school. For the last 4 years, we mainly worked in groups in our courses, so that we developed the necessary skills for productive teamwork. It was in those groups that I first became aware of my leadership talent and when it was time to present the results of our work I noticed a second new skill – rhetoric. A rhetoric challenge confirmed my observation: in March 2006, I was voted the favourite by hundreds of spectators and won the audience price. I was voted the favourite by hundreds of spectators and won the audience price.

I am well aware of the fact that I actually need an IELTS or TOEFL certificate, but due to the English knowledge that I gained in the department of modern languages such a certificate should not be necessary. However, if it is really obligatory I am ready to pass the IELTS or TOEFL test later.

In conclusion, I would like to assure you that moving to Maastricht would be no problem to me at all in view of the fact that I fluently speak Dutch and that I already am a citizen of the “Euregio”.

I am convinced that a personal interview will give you the opportunity of satisfying yourself as to my seriousness, which will show you that my qualifications meet the requirements of the University of Maastricht.

I hope to get the opportunity to speak with you soon.

Yours sincerely
Philipp Schmitz

Enc
Latest school report (copy)
Comments of the teachers (copy)
Article about the rhetoric competition (copy)
Certificate for elemental knowledge of the Dutch language (copy)