Korrekturlesen -motivationletter

hallo liebe leute,
kann jemand mein MOTIVATIONLETTER korriegeren, bin auch für bessere Lösungsvorschläge offen! vielen Dank

Dear Mr. XY,

Did you know, that since 1992, you surely rebember the beginning of the war in the Balkas, my secret ambition has been to work for a peace keeping organization?
At that time, I was affected by the war consequences, like violence, lack of protection and later I was confronted with integration issue in Austria. All the factors have a very strong influence on my being, on my career and on this application.

I am writing to apply for the position ”Networking und Stakeholder Relations Coordinator”. The opportunity presented in this listing is very interesting and I belive that my strong experience, lifelong eagerness and education will make me a very competitive candidate for this postion.
As you can see from my CV, I have graduated from Vienna University, where I studied Translation sciences in combination with Political sciences. My dissertation ( Master thesis) is about
”Migrants in Austria and the intercultural competence”,
where I showed common ground and differences between people who live in Austria and offered solutions for better living together.
Through my studies I have gathered good skills in intercultural communication and speak (German, Bosnian, Croatian, Serbian, English, Russian, French, Arabic and Turkish).
I gained my economic literacy at Commercial academy and the work as a freelancer give me the opportunity to make an economic and business experience. I enjoyed diverse tasks like administrative and financial tasks (networking, management, coordinating).
To increase my multiticultural competence I attended the course Diversity management and Gender mainstreaming. As a freelancer I worked especially as a projekt leader in the field of immigration and integration. I was a coach, I teached migrants German as a foreign language, explained them the migrants rights and was responsible for fostering intercultural dialogue. I also cooperated with governmental and non-governmental partners.
In addition, I feel that my experience on the intergovernmental level is a necessary quality for the position. I worked closely with the police at the Federal Ministry of the Interior and with attaches and diplomats at Federal Ministry for National Defence.
I acquainted them with the languages of the Former Yugoslavia, the political and cultural knowledge of these countries.

All my experience and my burning amibition will be a great asset to your organization and I would like to take up such a challenge. If you also feel that my qualifications measure up to your requirements, I should greatly appreciate hearing from you.

Yours faithfully

Hallo!
Nur ein paar Gedanken:

  1. heißt es letter of motivation.
  2. kein guter Anfang mit did you know - woher sollen die das auch wissen, was deine secret ambition ist (und warum auch). man beginnt den Brief mit „I am writing to…“ und erklärt danach, warum man sich bewirbt. Aber es gibt im Internet genug Ratgeber zum Aufbau eines engl. letter of motivation.
  3. you surely remember ist unpassend. Besser since 1992 when the war… began my secret ambition…
  4. Rechtschreibfehler bitte selber beseitigen, die sind so unnötig - z.B. mit Word-Rechtschreibhilfe oder einfach einem Wörterbuch(es heißt reMember und Balkans und peacekeeping)

At that time, I was affected by the war consequences, like
violence, lack of protection

consequences of the war like violence and a lack of protection (gefällt mir nicht, hab aber gerade keine bessere Idee)

and later I was confronted with integration issue in Austria.

and later I had to deal with the difficulties of integration into another country, when I moved to Austria.

All the factors have a very strong influence on my being, on my
career and on this application.

All these factors have had a very strong influence on my personality / character…
Erlaube mir eine vorsichtige inhaltliche Bemerkung: Stelle diese Erfahrungen mehr positiv dar, an der Stelle des Briefes, wo du über deine Eignung schreibst, eher: was hast du daraus gelernt, was weißt du jetzt aufgrund dessen ( Fingerspitzengefühl im Umgang mit verscheidenen Kulturen, Erfahrung mit Kriegssituationen oder so).

strong experience, lifelong eagerness and education will make
me a very competitive candidate for this postion.

that my experience, my eagerness (eagerness passt hier nicht inhaltlich) and my training …

where I studied Translation sciences in
combination with Political sciences.

Hmm, hier muss ein Uniexperte ran. Mein Vorschlag I studied/read translation studies … and political science (was ich nicht weiß, ist, ob Studienfächer groß geschrieben werden, wenn ja, dann jeweils beide Worte).

”Migrants in Austria and the intercultural competence”,

ohne „the“, stattdessen vielleicht „their“ ?

where I showed common ground and differences between people
who live in Austria and offered solutions for better living
together.

In my dissertation I showed similarities and differences between people / migrants who live in Austria and offered solutions for better social interaction / social cohesion.

Through my studies I have gathered good skills in
intercultural communication and speak (German, Bosnian,
Croatian, Serbian, English, Russian, French, Arabic and
Turkish).

… and foreign languages (…). (!!!)

I gained my economic literacy at Commercial academy

Das verstehe ich nicht.

and the work as a freelancer give me the opportunity to make an
economic and business experience. I enjoyed diverse tasks like
administrative and financial tasks (networking, management,
coordinating).

my work as a freelancer has increased my business experience greatly. I have dealt with a variety of administrative and financial tasks such as networking, management, coordinating.(was hast du koordiniert usw)

To increase my multiticultural competence I attended the
course Diversity management and Gender mainstreaming.

To improve my multicultural competence I attended courses / classes on diversity management / Diversity Management and … (bei welchem Institut).

As a
freelancer I worked especially as a projekt leader in the
field of immigration and integration.

würde ich weiter oben bei der ersten Erwähnung von freelancer einfügen. project

I was a coach, I teached

I TAUGHT German (as a f.l. ergibt sich aus dem Kontext), explained to them their rights as migrants and I was …

In addition, I feel that my experience on the
intergovernmental level is a necessary quality for the
position.

quality ist komisch hier; qualification

I worked closely with the police at the Federal
Ministry of the Interior and with attaches and diplomats at
Federal Ministry for National Defence.
I acquainted them with the languages of the Former Yugoslavia,
the political and cultural knowledge of these countries.

and ergänzen

All my experience and my burning ambition (schreibt man das wirklich? Ich würde an der Stelle kichern müssen - brennender Ehrgeiz?!)

Gruß
mitzisch