Hallo, ich habe mich heute Vormittag hingesetzt und den folgenden Letter of Motivation verfasst. Ich wäre sehr dankbar, wenn mir jemand, der sich ein bisschen auskennt mit solchen Briefen, ein paar Tipps geben kann.
Gruß, Tiemo
From my earliest years I was fascinated by the monetary impact on the world. On account of the money there are the high-rise buildings of my native Berlin, which were very impressing to me in my childhood. With a note in my hand I was able to induce a grown-up behind the counter to give me any sweet delicacy, I wanted to have.
I am highly motivated. A strong interest for the global economic interdependences has formed aproximately one year ago and I am determined to expand and deepen my previous knowledge. I want to understand all the connections between the international financial markets. How are international operating organisations working together with others? How can I plan the future of my business? An how is it possible for the „Deutsche Bank“ to propagate an equity rate of return of 25% in the middle of the financial crisis?
As compared to international standards, the University of Amsterdam is in the leading group. Furthermore it is attractive to me that the University of Amsterdam puts a great value on mathematical and statistical skills, because this is a field I am good at. Also the tutorials in small groups are something, one shouldn’t underestimate, regarding the overcrowded German universities. But another reason for applying to University of Amsterdam is that I would like to study abroad in order to get contact to students with other cultures and from foreign countries. I am of the opinion that it is very important to learn more about foreign cultures and mentalities to understand global developments.
The bachelor degree course “Economics and Business“ opens up the intellectual challenge, I am searching for. I am ready to invest work and time to reach my goal, to complete a course of undergraduate study at your university.
Hallo,
Even as a child, I was fascinated by the impact money has on the world. Money is the reason for the high-rise buildings of Berlin, where I was born. I found them very impressing when I was a little kid.
(Satz klingt komisch – ich würde umformulieren) which were very impressing to me in my childhood. With a note in my hand I was able to induce a grown-up behind the counter to give me any sweets (wo ist da der Zusammenhang zu den Hochhäusern?) I wanted to have (or hochgestochener: to give me any delicacy I wanted to have).
(Die Beschreibung, warum dich Geld interessiert, finde ich als Einleitung nicht schlecht, aber es klingt, als ob du krampfhaft versuchst, dich gewählt auszudrücken.)
I am highly motivated. A strong interest for the global economic interdependences has formed aproximately one year ago
DEIN Interesse ist vor einem Jahr entstanden, das generelle Interesse gibt es wohl schon länger.
Also:
I developed a strong interest in the global …
(da fragt man sich allerdings: WARUM? was ist vor einem Jahr geschehen)
and I am determined to expand and deepen my present knowledge. I want to understand ( lass „all“ weg, das klingt zu faustisch) the connections existing between the various international financial markets. How are internationally operating organisations working together with others? How can I plan the future of my business? And how is it possible for the „Deutsche Bank“ to propagate an equity rate of return of 25% in the middle of the financial crisis?
The University of Amsterdam is one of the most recognized and respected educational institutions in the financial world. Furthermore, it appeals to me that the University of Amsterdam puts great value on mathematical and statistical skills, because I excel in this area. (ist aber ziemlich anmaßend – vielleicht ware: because I am good in this area besser weil bescheidener.
Also the tutorials in small groups are something, one shouldn’t underestimate, regarding the overcrowded German universities.
Das klingt sehr altklug, vielleicht eher:
Tutorials in small groups sound very attractive, particularly in the light of overcrowded universities in Germany (ich würde eventuell den zweiten Teil des SAtzes weglassen).
In addition, I am very keen to study abroad and by doing so to broaden my horizons through contacts with students from various countries and cultures. In my opinion it is extremely important to learn more about foreign cultures and mentalities in order to understand global developments.
The bachelor degree course “Economics and Business“ opens up the intellectual challenge,
?? das verstehe ich nicht.
Vielleicht: I am convinced that the course XX is the challenge I am seeking.
I am prepared to invest effort and time to reach my goal, to do my best to complete a course of undergraduate studies at your university.
Gruß
Elke
Vielen Dank für deine Tipps, Elke!
Die Ansätze haben mir sehr weiter geholfen und ich habe vieles so übernommen. Ich hätte es teilweise interessat gefunden, ob die stellen, die du umformuliert hast wirklich falsch waren, oder ob sie sich nur komisch angehört haben.
Gruß, Tiemo
Hallo,
gern geschehen.
ob
die stellen, die du umformuliert hast wirklich falsch waren,
oder ob sie sich nur komisch angehört haben.
Ob grammatisch falsch oder falsche Wortwahl oder idiomatisch falsch - macht das bei einem solchen Brief einen Unterschied?
Gruß
Elke
Ob grammatisch falsch oder falsche Wortwahl oder idiomatisch
falsch - macht das bei einem solchen Brief einen Unterschied?
für den letter ist das beiläufig, da hast du recht.
nochmals danke.