Pls. evaluate my CL

Bildung & Beruf Karriere
1

Hallo alle zusammen noch mal,

hier liegt mein Anschreiben auf Englisch. Könnt Ihr das auch bewerten? Vielen Dank im Voraus

Anforderungen des Unt.

outstanding students, with an excellent degree in business administration with a special focus on finance, banking

  • solid knowledge of mathematics and statistics.
  • fluent in German, English and further language skills.
    Ideally, work experience by other relevant domestic and international internships.

Dear Ms. ,

as a final year student at Bochum university of applied sciences in Master in (with) a major field Financial Management I would very much like to have an internship at your bank. At one of the leading international investment banks like xxx I see an internship as a special experience for me.

My field of interest is Investment Banking, in particular Mergers & Acquisitions as well as Equity Capital Markets.

As my enclosed resume indicates, my studies and work experience revolve around the enterprise financing, company valuation, controlling as well as auditing, customer service and marketing. I have gained experience working both independently and as a team player (member) in order to facilitate the completion of projects.

In various challenging projects I have participated always successfully, also by difficult tasks under pressure. Here I was engaged beside the major tasks also in company analysis and project financing as well as I have improved my language skills. During my part-time work for a leading industrial company, I have executed the duties and responsibilities predominantly by MS Office programs and SAP R/3 SD module. I am well familiar with stock market as well, as I have been trading in securities already for 2 years and always observing financial news.

With my strong academic background, international experiences and personal strengths like analytical skills, communication ability as well as intercultural competence I would like to support (cooperate in) your team actively from November 2006 for 3-6 months.

Thank you very much for your interest and consideration

Yours sincerely

2

Ein Versuch
Hi,

ich habe mal schnell etwas verändert. Ich bin kein Muttersprachler, daher kein Anspruch auf Richtigkeit, aber es liest sich in meinen Augen besser. Bist Du Dir denn sicher, dass Du schon von Nov. an dort arbeiten möchtest? Immerhin ist doch schon der halbe Nov. vorbei. Ich würde ja Januar als Startdatum nehmen, …
Gruß
C.

Dear Ms. ,

as a final year Master student at Bochum university of applied sciences with focus on Financial Management I would be highly interested in an internship with your bank. As one amongst the leading investment banks an internship would provide me not only with a challenging professional experience but also represent a further step into the business and company I would like to start my career in.

My area of interest is Investment Banking, in particular Mergers & Acquisitions as well as Equity Capital Markets.

As my enclosed resume indicates, my studies and work experience is focused around enterprise financing (if you mean corporate finance, write it?), enterprise valuation, controlling as well as auditing, customer service and marketing. I have gained experience through working both independently and in teams in order to contribute to the success of complex projects.

During my previous assignments I worked in challenging, time critical projects under high pressure and was able to deliver my results in time and high quality. In those projects my main tasks were amongst others company analysis and project financing.
During my part-time work for a leading industrial company (why not the name of the company?), I have worked with all modern office applications, predominantly MS Office and SAP R/3 SD. Due to my studies as well as my private interests I am well familiar with stock markets. In addition I am trading stocks and securities intensively for 2 years now and constantly observing various financial sources to increase my portfolio performance.
In my jobs and during my studies I was also able to improve my language skills, which contain beside my mother tongue German, English and XXX.

With my strong academic background, international experiences and personal strengths like analytical skills, communication ability as well as intercultural competence I would like to contribute to the success of your team actively from November (are you sure?) 2006 for 3-6 months.

I am looking forward to hearing from you soon

Yours sincerely

3

hallo alex,

also, bist du fluent english speaker musst du hier nicht fragen. soviel klugscheiss vorneweg, aber auch als warnung, was dich erwarten könnte. der lebenslauf ist CV, ich gehe davon aus, dass der CL ein tippfehler ist?

Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,

Currently, I am finishing my studies of …, at the Uni of … My major subjects are …
bzw.:
Ein US-student würde - vermutlich - schreiben: I am majoring in …

Ich weiss nicht, ob man ein internship ‚have‘ schreibt…I would very much appreciate if you choose me for an …

der satz ist sprachlich ganz OK, aber er sagt auch im deutschen nur blabla…:

At one of the leading international investment
banks like xxx I see an internship as a special experience for
me.

wow, big idea, a ‚special exprience‘. doing the laundry in new york city can be a special expirience as well, so why not go for that instead of writing application letters?

Auch hier fände ich ein bischen mehr prosa, die den zusammenhang zwischen deinen interessen UND den geschäftsfeldern (business area) der bank (ihre ziele, deine ziele) herausstellt:

My field of interest is Investment Banking, in particular
Mergers & Acquisitions as well as Equity Capital Markets.

you do revolve material things, not interests IMHO. I guess you refer to ‚evolve‘. And I guess you checked those buzzwords with native speakers, otherwise it might be somewhat embarassing…

As my enclosed resume indicates, my studies and work
experience revolve around the enterprise financing, company
valuation, controlling as well as auditing, customer service
and marketing.

Das:

I have gained experience working both
independently and as a team player (member) in order to
facilitate the completion of projects.

Klingt für mich so:

From my past work expiriences I learned that I am a good team player as well as a selfstarter who knows how to handle projects on his own.

besser.

Der rest ist mir jetzt zu lange zum verbessern, aber das ist - IMHO - kein fluent english, das ist aus der deutschen denke ins englische übersetzt…

bitte nimms nicht als meinerseitige arroganz, ich habe nur keine zeit mehr…

hth - trotzdem,

stefan