USA Application Cover Letter so in Ordnung?

Sprachen Fremdsprachen
#1

Hallo ihr Lieben,
ich bin neu hier und erhoffe mir eure Hilfe… ich habe meinen Cover Letter für eine Bewerbung in den USA fertig (halbjähriges Praktikum im Marketing/Tourismus). Nun wäre es super, wenn mal eben jemand korrektur lesen könnte und den ein oder anderen Verbesserungsvorschlag machen kann. Ein paar Sachen, die mir komisch vorkommen, habe ich schon entsprechend markiert. Falls ihr Verbesserungsvorschläge habt oder merkt, dass noch was fehlt - immer her damit!
Schon mal ganz lieben Dank an alle! :smile:
Viele Grüße

RE: Application for an internship (laut einigen Quellen kommt die reference-line zwischen Anrede und Text?!)

Dear Ms. xxx,

It is with great interest and enthusiasm that I am applying for the internship that is listed through the website of the xxx if there might be a vacant position from July 2012 for six months (ab July für sechs Monate?). If there is no internship available but one from February 2013 for six months (ab Februar für sechs Monate?) please let me know.

My name is xxx and I am a German Fachhochschule (University of Applied Sciences) student of the xxx Hochschule xxx majoring in tourism economy with later (später=März 2012) focusing on marketing, destination management and health tourism.

I would most like to apply for an internship in the field of marketing and destination management. In a company such as yours I am sure I could acquire very good insight into my fields of study. This position is exactly what I am looking for and an ideal opportunity for me to use my knowledge and my educational background. For the time of the internship I will be an enrolled student. (eingeschriebener Student?)

The importance of international mobility for students is becoming more and more emphasized and I definitely want to gain practical experience by working abroad. This will not only help to improve prospects for my future professional career, but will allow me to learn more about your country and culture as well.
I have learned English for nine years in school and university so I am quite fluent in English. Additionally I learned French for six years, Latin for three years and Spanish for one year and I am of course fluent in my native language German.

My education at xxx Hochschule gave me good insights in many economic aspects like business administration and marketing, investment and financing, economics and economic law and of course also in tourism. From march 2012 (ab März 2012?) on I will focus my studies on marketing, destination management and health tourism and that reinforces (bekräftigen?) my interest in this internship as well.

For the past four summers I did social volunteer work as a camp counselor and took care of children during their vacations. These experiences were amazing and my responsibilities included organizing, planning and directing the camp and the daily activities. Furthermore I played basketball successfully so I am good in teamwork. In addition I coached a basketball team for five years.

I intend to apply for my visa documents (J1) through the German American Chamber of Commerce.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I will contact you in one week to discuss my candidacy and see if you have any questions. I really look forward to speaking with you.

Sincerely

xxx

Enclosures

#2

Sorry, bitte jemand anderen fragen, ich kenne mich damit nicht aus!
Gruß

#3

Liebe Sonne,

hier ein paar Anmerkungen zu deinem Bewerbungsschreiben:

Die Betreffzeile kommt ganz bestimmt nicht zwischen Anrede und Text. (Vielleicht hat da jemand Adresse und Anrede durcheinander gebracht.)

„interest and“ im 1. Satz würde ich streichen.

Nach dem Zeitraum fragst du besser so:
Is there a vacant position available for six months starting July 2012? This would be my favorite time. If there is not, I would also be happy with a six months internship starting February 2013.

Dich selbst könntest du besser folgendermaßen beschreiben:
I am a student of tourism economy at the XXX University of Applied Sciences. I plan to soon focus on marketing, destination management and health tourism.
Deinen Namen brauchst du dabei nicht zu nennen, da man den ja dem Absender entnehmen kann.

Dann:
I would very much like to do an internship in the field of…

Deine für März 2012 geplante Spezialisierung wiederholst du dann nochmal. Das ist nicht nötig.

Beim Basketball muss es heißen:
so I am good team player on and off the court.

Das sind so die wichtigsten Sachen, die mir aufgefallen sind.

Viel Erfolg!

#4

Vielen Dank für deine Antwort.
Das interest habe ich direkt gestrichen, mir kam das irgendwie auch ein bisschen „too much“ vor.
Auch deine Formulierung für den Zeitraum klingt doch wesentlich besser und nicht so hölzern wie meine. Vom Gefühl her würde ich aber vor den Monat ein „in“ packen oder täusche ich mich da?
Ansonsten habe ich den noch etwas weiter überarbeitet, ich poste es noch mal eben… vielleicht siehst du ja noch weitere Ungereimtheiten.
Ich bin dir in jedem Fall schon mal sehr dankbar! Es ist echt schwierig, wenn man an sich Englisch kann aber dann so was schreiben muss, was fehlerfrei und sprachlich bestenfalls auch super sein soll…
Noch mal ein paar Fragen: Ist es „blöd“ zu nennen, was das Praktikum einem selber bringt?(This will not only help to improve prospects for my future professional career, but will allow me to learn more about your country and culture as well.)
Kann man das „reinforces“ so benutzen? Das Wort kannte ich bisher nicht, soll aber ein tolles „action word“ sein habe ich gelesen.
Ist es tatsächlich so, dass man in den USA nach etwa einer Woche telefonisch nachfragen soll? In D würde einem das denk ich als schlecht angerechnet werden und nach einer Woche auch als viel zu früh.
Aber hier nochmal die neuere Fassung:

RE: Application for an internship for six months

Dear Ms. xxx:

It is with great enthusiasm that I am applying for the internship advertised through the website of the German National Tourist Office. Is there a vacant position available for six months starting July 2012? This would be my favorite time. If there is not, I would also be happy with a six months internship starting February or March 2013.
I am a student of tourism economy at the xxx Hochschule (University of Applied Sciences).
In my opinion the internship suits me perfectly because my education at xxx Hochschule gave me good insights in many economic aspects and of course in tourism. There is one course called “geographical aspects and attraction factors of important tourism destinations” where we talked a lot about Germany and its different cities and regions. That is of course very helpful and valuable for that internship, just as my courses in marketing.
From march 2012 on I will focus my studies on marketing, destination management and health tourism and that reinforces my interest in this internship as well.
I would very much like to do an internship in the field of marketing and destination management. In a company such as yours I am sure I could acquire very good insight into my fields of study. This position is exactly what I am looking for and an ideal opportunity for me to use my knowledge and my educational background. For the time of the internship I will be an enrolled student.
The importance of international mobility for students is becoming more and more emphasized and I absolutely want to gain practical experience by working abroad. This will not only help to improve prospects for my future professional career, but will allow me to learn more about your country and culture as well.
I intend to apply for my visa documents (J1) through the German American Chamber of Commerce.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I will contact you in one week to discuss my candidacy and see if you have any questions. I really look forward to speaking with you.

Sincerely

#5

Hallo, nochmal

Das „in“ vor dem Monat ist, glaube ich, Geschmackssache. Wenn es dir besser gefällt, nimm es rein.

Ich würde auf jeden Fall etwas dazu schreiben, was das Praktikum mir bringt, weil das zeigt, dass man sich Gedanken macht. Das ist nicht „blöd“, im Gegenteil. Es sollte beim ersten Anschreiben nur nicht zu ausführlich sein; denn die Leute, an die du schreibst, kennen ja den Beruf.

„to reinforce“ ist ein ziemlich starkes Wort. In diesem Zusammenhang kommt es mir eher etwas übertrieben vor. Ich würde an der Stelle etwas schreiben wie:
From march 2012 on I will focus my studies on marketing, destination management and health tourism, which is why this internship would be a great help for me.

Ob es in den USA üblich ist, nach einer Woche selbst nachzufragen, weiß ich leider nicht. Eine Woche kommt mir ziemlich kurz vor - zumal jetzt ja Feiertage anstehen. Da würde ich mich an deiner Stelle nochmal schlau machen oder im Zweifel lieber zwei, drei Tage länger warten.

Beste Grüße.

#6

Hallo,
ich würde vorschlagen, den Entwurf neu aufzusetzen (-> zu viele Details, konzentrier’ Dich auch das, was Du willst und was Du kannst).
Ein gutes Beispiel findest Du hier:
http://teamwork.jacobs-university.de/confluence/disp…

Gruß

B.

#7

Hallo ihr Lieben,
ich bin neu hier und erhoffe mir eure Hilfe… ich habe meinen
Cover Letter für eine Bewerbung in den USA fertig
(halbjähriges Praktikum im Marketing/Tourismus). Nun wäre es
super, wenn mal eben jemand korrektur lesen könnte und den ein
oder anderen Verbesserungsvorschlag machen kann. Ein paar
Sachen, die mir komisch vorkommen, habe ich schon entsprechend
markiert. Falls ihr Verbesserungsvorschläge habt oder merkt,
dass noch was fehlt - immer her damit!
Schon mal ganz lieben Dank an alle! :smile:
Viele Grüße

RE: Application for an internship (laut einigen Quellen kommt
die reference-line zwischen Anrede und Text?!)

Dear Ms. xxx,

It is with great interest and enthusiasm that I am applying
for the internship that is listed through the website of the
xxx from July 2012 for six
months (ab July für sechs Monate?). If there is no internship
available but one from February 2013 for six months, (ab
Februar für sechs Monate?) please let me know.

My name is xxx and I am a German student at Hochschule xxx, a university of Applied Sciences majoring in tourism economy, later as of March 2012 focusing on marketing, destination management (?) and health tourism.

I would be most interested in an internship in the field of marketing and destination management. In a company such as yours I am sure I could acquire a very good insight into my fields of study. This position is exactly what I am looking for and an ideal opportunity for me to use my knowledge and my educational background. For the time of the internship I will
be an enrolled student. (eingeschriebener Student?)

The importance of international mobility for students is becoming more and more important and I definitely want to gain practical experience by working abroad. This will not only help to improve my prospects for my future professional career, but will also allow me to learn more about your country and culture as well.
I have been learning English from fourth grade up to now at university, so I am quite fluent in English. Additionally I studied French for six years, Latin for three years and Spanish for one year and I am of course fluent in my native language German.

My education at xxx Hochschule has given me a deeper knowledge of many economic aspects like business administration and marketing, investment and financing, economics and economic law and of
course also in tourism. Starting in March 2012 (ab März 2012?) I will focus my studies on marketing, destination management and health tourism. This new focus increases my interest in this internship even more.

For the past four summers I did social work volunteering as a camp counselor and took care of children during their vacations. My responsibilities included organizing, planning and directing the camp and daily activities representing a very valuable hands-on experience.

Furthermore I played basketball successfully(when, how long?), so I am good at teamwork. In addition

I coached a basketball team for five years.

I intend to apply for my visa documents (J1) through the
German American Chamber of Commerce.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I will contact you
in one week to discuss my application and see if you have any
questions. I really look forward to speaking with you.

Sincerely

xxx

Enclosures

#8

Hallo Sonne,

hier meine Anmerkungen (hoffentlich nicht zu spät):

RE: Application for an internship (laut einigen Quellen kommt
die reference-line zwischen Anrede und Text?! --> NEIN, DAS KENNE ICH SO NICHT)

Dear Ms. xxx,

It is with great interest and enthusiasm that I am applying for the internship that is listed ON the website of the xxx THAT IS from July 2012 ON for six months. If there is no internship available AT THAT TIME but one from February 2013 ON for six months I’D WOULD BE KIND IF YOU WOULD LET ME KNOW (ENGLISH IST EINE SEHR HÖFFLICHE SPRACHE; NIEMALS DIREKTE AUFFORDERUNGEN SCHREIBEN; SCHON GAR NICHT IN BEWERBUNGSSCHREIBEN!)

My name is xxx and I am a STUDENT OF THE UNIVERSITY OF APPLIED SCIENCE “NAME” majoring in tourism economy with focus on marketing, destination management and health tourism.

I would like to apply for an internship in the field of marketing and destination management. In a company as yours I am sure I could acquire IMPORTANT/ESSENTIAL insightS into my fields of study. This position is exactly what I am looking for and an ideal opportunity for me to use my knowledge and my educational background. For the time of the internship I will STILL be ENROLLED.

The importance of international mobility for students is becoming more and more emphasized and I definitely want to gain practical experience by working abroad. This will not only help to improve prospects for my future professional career, but IT will allow me to learn more about your country and culture as well.
I have learned English for nine years in school and university so I am fluent in English. Additionally I learned French for six years, Latin for three years and Spanish for one year and I am of course fluent in my native language German.

DURING my education at xxx Hochschule I GAINED insights in many economic aspects like business administration and marketing, investment and financing, economics and economic law and of course also in tourism. From March 2012 (ab März 2012?) on I will focus on marketing, destination management and health tourism WHICH reinforces my interest in this internship as well.

For the past four summers I did social volunteer work as a camp counselor and took care of children during their vacations. These experiences were amazing and my responsibilities included organizing, planning and directing the camp and the daily activities. (VIELLEICHT SOLLTEST DU HIER NOCH ERKLÄREN, WARUM GERADE DAS GUT IST IN HINBLICK AUF DAS PRAKTIKUM) Furthermore I played basketball successfully so I am good in teamwork. In addition I coached a basketball team for five years.

I intend to apply for my visa documents (J1) through the German American Chamber of Commerce.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I will contact you in one week to discuss my candidacy and see if you have any questions. (DIESE ZWEI SÄTZE SIND EHER UNANGEBRACHT, ES GIBT DEN LESER DAS GEFÜHL, DU WÄRST DER CHEF – DAS IST NATÜRLICH UNGÜNSTIG FÜR EINE BEWERBUNG! AUCH HIER GILT WIEDER: BE POLITE! OB DU SIE NACH EINER WEILE KONTAKTIERST, BLEIBT NATÜRLICH DIR ÜBERLASSEN, ABER DAS GEHÖRT NATÜRLICH NICHT IN EIN BEWERBUNGSSCHREIBEN!) BESSER: I WOULD BE GRATEFUL FOR THE CHANCE OF DOING AN INTERNSHIP AT YOUR COMPANY. I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU. PLEASE DO NOT HESITATE TO CONTACT ME VIA PHONE (NUMMER HIER) OR E-MAIL (EMAIL ADRESSE HIER).

Sincerely

xxx

Enclosures

Natürlich kann ich dir nicht garantieren, dass alles stimmt, was ich korrigiert habe - aber ich bin doch ziemlich zuversichtlich. Nach einem Jahr in den Staaten, denke ich, kann ich zumindest abschätzen, was man schreiben und was man nicht schreiben sollte. :smile:

Ich wünsch dir viel Erfolg!